


Third Time's A Charm

by grindeldore27



Category: SKAM (France), SKAM (Italy), SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crossover, Inspired By Sense8, M/M, Marti and Isak are there with Lucas, Oh also: Trilingual Swearing, POV Third Person, Parallel Universes, Spirit World, and a lot of past feelings revisited (obviously), as he goes through his story, emotional chaos, it's not really a sense8 thing though but you'll see, the boys all learn some lessons, there might be a lot of Marti missing Nico involved
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-10-26 13:30:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17746766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grindeldore27/pseuds/grindeldore27
Summary: Eliott opens the door and lets them into the apartment. Of course, he really only lets Lucas enter, but it‘s in fact Lucas, Martino and Isak who all step through the doorway together. The entire scene is just so familiar to Marti that he feels like he‘s experiencing the weirdest kind of whiplash.Or: The one where Marti and Isak are Lucas' parallel universe selves, following him on his journey.





	1. Friday, February 1st

**Friday, February 1st**

**17:12**

 

Eliott opens the door and lets them into the apartment. Of course, he really only lets Lucas enter, but it‘s in fact Lucas, Martino and Isak who all step through the doorway together. The entire scene is just so familiar to Marti that he feels like he‘s experiencing the weirdest kind of whiplash. 

Oh, that's right. In case you needed a quick explanation. It happened on a Saturday, January 19th 2019 16: 48 to be exact, when Martino suddenly found himself sitting on a bench in Paris instead of on his couch at home in Rome, where he was just about to get up and guide Nico out of the kitchen before he could ruin his mamma's dinner with an unruly combination of spices. Although his mother always found Nico's ideas fascinating, Marti knew better. But none of it mattered now because Marti was sitting on this stupid bench in this stupid park and nothing made sense. Thank Madonna he was wearing shoes, he was just about to take them off, that would have been uncomfortable. Sometimes now he wondered if the universe would have provided him with shoes.

Either way, turns out he was trapped in this weird spectral realm, in France of all places, not able to communicate to anyone from the real world and bound to this tiny french boy with these big blue eyes whom he found sitting on this bench all alone, posting fake happy instagram posts on his profile. Marti wasn't sure he was ready for this kind of self pity. And yes, he was literally bound to him, because Marti couldn't move more than twenty feet away from this boy before an invisible thread pulled him back close.

Not only that, he was also apparently connected to this boy in spirit, meaning that he could feel what this boy - Lucas - was feeling, too. It was very confusing and chaotic, because Marti still had to figure out where Lucas' feelings ended and his own began and vice versa. All of this, of course, took a few days to figure out. Thankfully, Isak was here with him.

Isak and Marti had somehow both been taken on this weird journey to accompany Lucas' on his, what they both found out soon enough, way out of the closet, or as Isak likes to put it, way out of the darkness.

The evidence seems to point toward one conclusion: Lucas was them and they were Lucas. More or less. Isak was the one who noticed it first and it didn't take him long to figure it out, either. Marti had more problems understanding and accepting the idea that they were kind of versions of each other or each other's parallel universe selves, but Marti had to admit, it did make a lot of sense, considering the different pro and con points on the list he and Isak had made.

Soon enough the question of "Why?" came up and this one was tougher to answer. Were they meant to be Lucas' guardian angels? Which would be a pretty difficult job given their absolute lack of influence or power over what was happening. Were they meant to just.. observe and live Lucas' life with him? And how long was that supposed to last? And what was the purpose of it all?

  
After a week they both realized exactly at which point in their - or Lucas' - life they entered the story: It was right before Isak met Even, and right before Martino met Niccolò. This, of course, gave them both a pretty good idea of what journey they were about to set out on. But this also meant that they wouldn't be able to go back home, go back to Even and Nico, for at least two months. And two months was too long, way too long. Impossible.

 

So this is where we find ourselves right now. It's been two weeks and Marti is equally frustrated as he is excited, is equally devastated and lonely and hurting at being separated from home, from his boys, his family, his heart, but now, at least, things are starting to take off. Eliott has made an appearance. 

And finally Lucas - and by extension Martino and Isak - feels something other than sad, alone, frustrated, confused, bored, and just endlessly uninterested in life. 

The last week has been a pain in the ass to say the least. Lucas' sad confused baby gay self was almost too pitiful for Marti to handle. He realized that he had almost forgotten about this version of himself, this life that he was trying to somehow live before he met Nico, before he got some perspective, before he realized that life was too precious and too short not to live it as your true self. But Lucas still had so much to learn.

 „Shouldn‘t we like… take our shoes off and stuff?“ Isak almost whispers to him and Marti can't help but laugh a little. „You‘re not really here you idiot.“

„No I know that, but I meant him!“ Isak gestures at Lucas who really did just enter Eliott's apartment without taking his shoes or his jacket or anything off. Marti shrugs his shoulders. „French people," as if that was enough to explain it.

Marti likes Isak. Isak is funny. Isak was beamed to this realm straight from Norway, where he has a beautiful, tall and blonde norwegian boyfriend named Even waiting for him in their apartment, where he has a boy squad of his own and a somewhat intense family, almost like Marti's. Isak is also clumsy and impossibly cocky sometimes. But Isak makes this journey bearable. Isak understands him, even though they're so different. Isak, however, has already accepted Lucas and Martino as his other selves with such quick understanding and such quick acceptance that it makes Marti feel somehow like a stranger, still. Marti's not sure how Isak was able to seemingly skip the doubt and the natural rejection of that idea before he embraced it so completely.

  
"You know, parallel universes are like.. it's one of our things. Even and mine's." Isak says, smiling sadly but his chest filling with so much love and longing that Marti can't help but feel it inside himself, too. So yeah, the evidence for Isak's theory is startling and the amount of it isn't lessening, either.

Back to where they actually are, or where their spectral selves follow Lucas into what seems to be the living room of Eliott's apartment. Marti‘s heart swells with affection. It‘s not exactly easy to specify why. Yes, he feels it because of  Lucas, because it's what is happening in Lucas right now,  but it‘s his own memory of walking into Nico‘s place for the first time that surges inside him, too. It—

„It was a Friday, too.“ Isak says, looking at him. „It‘s all happening again. In the same way. It‘s like I‘m seeing my life played out in a movie or something. It‘s freaky, really.“ Marti doesn't know whether he should feel creeped out because Isak basically just finished his own thought or a little insulted because Isak thinks it's all about him and his own life, as if Marti wasn't just as affected by this. Marti wants to say exactly that when he sees that Lucas is looking at drawings and notes, which have been stuck onto the wall. „Of course he draws“ Isak says almost with a sigh.

 „Yes“ Marti adds eventually „of course he does“, and he joins the two boys standing in front of the wall. There are less drawings than there were in Nico‘s room, and they‘re less chaotic and seem a bit more studied. But the feeling is the same. This infinite curiosity. The pure affection. An almost unconditional openness to want to know more and more and more. And he‘s not sure anymore if his feelings have come back because of his own memory and because these drawings, all of them, they're reminders of Nico, or whether they're not his feelings at all, whether it is just through his connection to Lucas that he can feel them. It's what Lucas is feeling right now, that is certain. It‘s all very confusing, to say the least.

Eliott enters the room carrying an entire box of beer and two separate ones and Isak and Marti both giggle at the sight. „He doesn‘t beat around the bush, does he?“ Isak comments and Marti feels so utterly warm in this moment, so engulfed in a feeling of pure affection and - love? - for all of them, for his own story, for Nico, for his connection with Isak and Lucas and for Eliott, and mostly for Lucas and Eliott's obvious connection. Marti wonders whether that's what Niccolò and him must have looked like. Two fools completely gone for each other but trying to keep it cool. „Well, this should be entertaining“ Isak adds and Marti's starting to get used to this sharing thoughts thing, because he's not surprised anymore, just gently pushes Isak's elbow and says: "You just want to see him squirm as much as you did, don‘t you?“

„Oh look who‘s talking Mr. Eye-Sex-on-the-Couch.“ „What? That‘s not true, I was handling it just fine.“ Marti grins because of course he wasn‘t, he almost melted on that couch next to Nico, but he‘s not going to let Isak win. Isak just gives him a knowing look and lets it go this time.

 „I feel like they‘re moving too fast though, don‘t you?“ Isak says after a short moment of silence in which they watch the French boys open their two bottles of beer. “Hah, this reminds me. Even never found that ID that we came to look for.“ The smile that spreads on Isak‘s face is filled with affection and love and something a little harder to read, but Martino thinks it might be a little sad. „You miss him?“ he asks. But it's not really a question. „Like hell. Don‘t you?“ Isak answers and Marti huffs and gives him an understanding smile. They don't have to talk about it, really. They both know the reality of things. But somehow, it's still nice to acknowledge it out loud. It's like he's making room for Nico here, too, just by speaking about him. He just wants him present in one way or another. „Like hell.“

Eliott is talking about raccoons and Marti wants to yell at the universe for reminding him of giraffes right now. „You gotta admit though,“ Isak says and jolts Martino out of his beginning inner giraffe soliloquy, „Eliott is beautiful. Of course Even would be hot in every universe.“

Marti considers the tall blonde with the light blue eyes and the soft smile and.. yes, he guesses,Eliott is definitely an objectively good looking guy, but.. „Eh well. Figures you had a type“ he teases Isak and sighs. „He‘s perfect only for Lucas, though. Me? My heart only beats for a certain kind of messy dark curls. There's no point in pretending it's any different.“ Marti‘s heart tightens at the thought of not having seen Nico for too many days now. He can hear Isak snicker beside him. „I know that, silly. Believe me, I know that.“ 

„And me, if you were to draw me.. how would you draw me?“

Marti almost chokes. „Did he just—„ Isak must be equally shook because as soon as Lucas says it he had grabbed hold of Marti‘s arm.

They both focus their attention on Eliott, who‘s doing a real good job of trying to keep his composure. But they both know — and Marti is so, so thrilled about getting to experience all of this while knowing that Nico‘s counterpart is feeling all of these things with Lucas — that Eliott is absolutely gonefor this boy with the big blue eyes who‘s just challenged him like this after barely having talked to him for an hour in total. Marti is fascinated. Marti is a fan.

Eliott is perfect in the way he reacts, and Marti wants to laugh because he thinks Nico would have choked on his beer instead. Eliott takes a step back, turns to face Lucas up front and just.. looks. His blue eyes trail along the lines of Lucas‘ features like a painter would trace the object of his study with his eyes, memorizing, taking measure, letting himself know it just by looking, exploring, and he's not shy about it. Marti thinks if Nico had looked at him like that back then.. he would not have been able to stand still like that. He would have either ran out or jumped Nico's bones right then and there. 

But Lucas holds his own. The two boys stare at each other with no shame and seemingly no sense of time and it feels infinite for a moment. „Fy faen! What the hell is going on! I don‘t remember eye contact like this, jesus, I don‘t think I would have been able to do it.“ Isak all but gasps next to him. „Yeah, I have no idea but.. They‘re just.. I mean, look at them..“ Marti gestures with a hand toward the two french boys, still staring, until Eliott says „I don‘t know“ and takes a —- well deserved — sip of his beer. „I would have to think about it.“

Lucas wiggles his eyebrows. Marti thinks that Isak might have just had a heart attack because the grip on his arm almost interrupts his blood circulation. „Ow, stop it.“

„Marti did you, did you just see what we did there“ Isak mutters.

„It wasn‘t us, you idiot.“

„But it _is_. It _is_ us.“

Marti looks at Lucas‘ blue orbs fixed on Eliott‘s, can feel his exhilarating curiosity and his ecstasy at being the sole recipient of Eliott‘s time and attention and yes, Marti has to admit, yes there is a lot of him in that boy. He looks at Isak's shaken but entirely mesmerized expression, and yes, he guesses there's also a lot of him in this boy.

  

**___**

**18:53**

 

"I'm telling you, the guy spat it all out."

 

Marti's eyes widen, he hadn't been listening until now, too focused on trying to read Eliott, trying to remember if Nico had been the same way with him back then, trying to, in hindsight, remember if Nico had looked at him like this, had openly challenged him to keep eye contact like these two are doing with each other, or if he just missed all of it completely because he was just so bedazzled by Nico's presence, so close for the first time, all for himself, for the first time. Marti's stomach is full of butterflies. Lucas' but definitely also his own because his mind is just running wild back and forth memory lane, images of Nico's beautiful curls resting on that leather couch, of Nico's dark eyes studying him, his beautiful smile tugging at Marti's heart. Just the memory of it is tugging at it right this moment.

"Did he just talk about Nico?" he asks Isak, who himself seems to have been lost in his own thoughts and did not listen to the boys' conversation. "I'm sorry man, I've just.. been thinking.."  
 

Marti has to smile. "It's fine, I get it. Me too."

The music stops and Eliott gets up to change the record. Marti and Isak both sigh as they watch Lucas take out his phone and, as they both know damn well, send out a bunch of false excuses to his friends. "One thing's for sure. I'm so glad I'm done with this entire fakeness and this web of lies," Isak says as they watch Lucas type quick messages into his phone, "that was so stressful. But I guess we can't blame ourselves. I remember just feeling so, so lucky to have somehow stumbled into Even's place like this, I mean.. it was like a dream, and I didn't wanna wake up."

Marti looks at Isak whose voice took on a serious tone. Marti still didn't know how Isak was so comfortable just refering to the three of them as "us", as this weird entity. Marti felt like an own person, thank you very much, and he feels like Lucas and Isak are, too, but Isak seemed to have embraced the idea of there being more than one universe and more than one of him so easily, it unsettled Marti somehow.

Before they know it, there is dubstep blasting through the vintage record player and Eliott bouncing to the beats, while Lucas' mouth is open in shock. Isak leans back on the couch in a laughing fit and Marti doesn't exactly know what to think anymore. Granted, he didn't understand the magic of Earl Sweatshirt back then either, but this seems extreme. Does this even still count as music, or rather as a peculiarly aesthetic form of noise?

His heart is beating loud and strong in his chest, and Marti can now tell the difference between his own feelings and Lucas', and this heartbeat is very much that of the hopelessly falling boy next to him. Marti finds it so adorable he wants to explode. Isak is still laughing. Maybe not just the feelings but also the weed is getting to them through Lucas. Isak's red face should be evidence enough, Marti thinks. 

"The Clash!"

Marti jolts out of his daydreams ahain, realizing he‘s missing parts of the conversation. The enthusiasm in Lucas' voice, filled with this pure kind of  joy of getting to know someone you really, really want to get to know, the ecstasy of learning more about them, experiencing them, every minute of time spent together is an enitre minute more than before, which was almost nothing, so all the minutes are exciting and precious and everything that is shared is valuable information.. Marti wants to sink deep into the back of this couch, close his eyes and remember the tiny things he learned about Nico then. He remembers trying so hard to memorize the sound of his voice, the way he laughed and the way his chest moved when he breathed. Marti remembers thinking that he had never felt so much excitement and so much calmness at the same time. It was like he just clicked, like he finally found the right lock to this key that he's been carrying around with him his entire life. Like he finally knew why nothing and no one before ever worked out or ever felt right or ever even interested him, really. None of them were Niccolò.

 

Seeing the way Lucas eyes took in Eliott, the way he opened up and smiled and laughed and feeling this want inside him, this pull, a familiar force to both of them, all of them, he guesses, it all reminds him and it's beautiful as much as it hurts.

 "Do you see how he looks at Lucas?" Isak says calmly. Marti had all but forgotten about the boy on his right. "Yeah, I see it." "We'll be in so deep by the end of tonight. I don't want him to see Sonja. I wish he didn't have to." Marti quickly looks at Isak, puzzled. "Sonja?"

"Even's ex."

"Ah, Maddalena. Cazzo, why do you have to bring this up now?" Marti turns back to look at the boys just in time to see Eliott blow out a smoke ring, desire, want and invitation all but written in his eyes. How does Lucas live through this? The berzerk heart rate inside his chest betrays him though. He lives, barely.

"Sometimes I miss smoking with Even." Isak says. "I know it's bad, I shouldn't be thinking it, but being here, seeing them like this, I can't help but miss it."

"It's not worth it“ is all Martino decides to say. He can feel that Isak agrees, even if he doesn't say anything.

 

**___**

 

**19:34**

 

"Fuck, we have to change the vinyl.."

Eliott's raspy voice fills the room and jolts Marti and Isak back to the present. Marti can't believe he just spaced out with them. Well, he probably shouldn't be so surprised anymore, he's feeling what Lucas' is feeling after all. And Lucas was feeling deeply content to just be there with Eliott. To just bask in the simple presence of him. Knowing that these last few hours have been all his. Eliott has been all his. Even if they never talk again, for this evening alone, Eliott belonged to him and no one will be able to take that from him.

"This is different from how it was for me.." Isak comments quietly, Marti barely hears him even in the silence of the room where only the low noise of the record running empty can be heard, and the occasional drag and blow of smoke from one of the boys.

And then something happens that makes Marti's heart feel so full that he could cry. Both still leaning back on the couch, lazily handing the joint back and forth between them, Lucas turns his head to look at Eliott. And that's it, really. Martino doesn't need any more convincing that Lucas' life and his own are woven with the same thread.

"You were right," he whispers to Isak, and he knows - because he knows - that Isak will know what he means. Martino's entire soul is resting on that couch, his past self that looked at Nico almost exactly in the same way - and he doesn't need an outsider perspective to know this. The way Lucas' eyes slowly, lazily trail their gaze along the lines of Eliott's mesmerizing eyes, the shape of his face, every single line downward to his lips, his jaw, his chin. And back up again. Lucas' isn't holding himself back in this moment. It's either the weed or his insane bravery, or a lack of any care at all, but Martino feels.. proud.

"I know. I told you. We're all connected." Isak answers to Martino's statement from before which he all but forgot about. "He's fallen so hard for him already. I mean, I know, it was the same for me, but.. I feel like he's not even careful about hiding it.." Marti is not sure whether Isak is speaking to him at all or whether he's just talking to himself, just putting words into the room. And it doesn't matter, either.

 

"You have no intention of getting up, hm?" "No, zero."

 

"Damnit Marti do you see that? It's too obvious!"

Marti senses a touch of some foreign feeling suddenly, like a sprinkle of something that doesn't belong in this scenario at all. "Isak. Are you.. scared?"

"I just don't want him to get hurt. I don't want us to get hurt. I know. I know he has to, for the story to go the way it did, but I.. I don't want to live through it again, somehow. Not all of it." Isak's voice is barely a whisper at the end but Marti would have understood him silently, too. Yes, yes it would hurt. Yes, Nico hurt him, and then Maddalena hurt him, he had also hurt Nico, but it's all part of them. They wouldn't be Nico and Marti if they hadn't had their exact realizations and if they hadn't had to go through the lessons that they did.

Marti doesn't reply to Isak, because he can feel that Isak has talked himself out of the momentary dread already. Maybe it's a testament to how much he has grown as a person. How much they both have. Marti knows that Lucas, too, will have to grow, and very soon, too.

"Did Even and you ever talk about this? About how he kissed Madd-- I mean, Sonja, right in front of you?" Marti asks, genuinely curious, while Lucas has found the piano and is pressing seemingly random keys.

Isak smiles. "Of course. He wanted to see my reaction. He wasn't sure about me yet.

Marti figures that this makes as much sense as anything else. He yet has to ask Nico about that. He makes a mental note to himself to do it when he gets back. If he ever gets back. He really, really hopes that he'll keep his memories of this.. this dream, or whatever it is that's happening to him here.

"I also have a triangle. If you want."

Lucas looks back at Eliott and smiles. Isak sits up at that. "Oh my god, I can't believe it. This is it. He'll try to impress him. I never got to rap, we were interrupted. But he'll play, I can't believe it."

Marti looks puzzled. "Ma dai, we can't play the piano for shit." Marti catches himself saying 'we' but it's already too late, he's said it now. And before he can do anything, he has also realized that he's started thinking of them as part of him. Why wouldn't Lucas be able to play the piano? _He's not you._

"Look at his face! Don't you feel this bubble of courage and excitement?" Isak says and his face is completely lit up with an almost manic smile.

"Dude, I think you're--" but before Marti can say anything, Lucas' random key pressing has passed over into a beautiful and elaborate melody, and this boy can play alright.

And then Marti sees Eliott and that's it. He doesn't need any more proof or evidence or signs than this. The way Eliott's entire presence perks up, the way his eyes lose their teasing edge and turn entirely serious for a split second while he sits up to listen, to look, to take in this beautiful and rare thing that's happening. Martino knows, he knows that Eliott can feel it. Can feel that Lucas is letting him in, is letting him see a part of him that not many people know at all. Marti can't take his eyes off Eliott, entirely fascinated by the idea that this boy feels what Nico felt. Entirely fascinated by this alternative turn of events in which it's not Nico who plays the piano for Marti, but the other way around.

Marti smiles as a warmth spreads through his chest at the thought of Nico playing for him. Sometimes he'll just play a short sweet melody when they're hanging at his place, and sometimes Marti will look at him, thinking how much he adores him, how beautiful, kind, smart and funny he is and how lucky Marti is to have found him, and then it will be as if Nico has read something in Marti's eyes that makes him want to play longer pieces, sometimes they're more melancholy, sometimes they're slow and other times they're happy. Marti longs for Nico's hands at the memories. He wants to take them in his own, kiss their palms, put them around his neck or on his hips, wants Nico. Always Nico.

He quickly turns to Isak and notices that Isak has been looking at him in turn. Marti can feel himself blush, but it's stupid of course. He can't hide, neither his feelings nor his thoughts. He had just hoped that Isak might have been busy with his own, rather than to listen in to Marti's. But instead of calling Marti out on being a sottone, Isak, more mature than Marti expected him to be at first, decides to let it go uncommented. Instead they just turn toward Lucas to listen.

"Hva!! Did you just see that?"

Marti nods. "They are not being subtle. I mean. At all."

Isak huffs a small laugh and shakes his head in disbelief. "Wow, this is like, such an upgrade in flirting skills and offensive play, I mean. This boy has got such game with Eliott. The way he just turned around and looked back to see if Eliott was watching him? And then they smiled at each other? I mean. Fy faen."

Marti nods in agreement. "This is way smoother than cooking disgustingly spicy carbonara with vegan salami." But Marti wouldn't change a thing.

"Way smoother than making disgusting toast with cheese and cardamome." Isak wouldn't change a thing, Marti knows. They pass a grin between them and turn back around when Lucas has finished his piece, slowly coming to an end.

The slow, careful, almost shy way in which Lucas turns around to look at Eliott makes all their hearts tighten with expectation and hope. Isak and Marti, as if in sync and only a second after Lucas, turn their heads toward Eliott. "Please don't fuck it up now", Isak mutters.

Eliott's eyes are full of wonder. He licks his lips, shakes his head almost imperceptably in amazement.

 

"C'était ouf!"

Isak rolls his eyes and Marti snickers. "What, does Norwegian have a better word for this moment than 'ouf'?" he teases Isak, who just pushes him a little in the side and says "Shut up."

 

"It was no Star Wars music, but.."

And Marti doesn't have to examine neither Eliott's nor Lucas' face too closely to realize that he was so, so right about them. Lucas just opened himself up to this boy, his entire expression radiating with this feeling of just having revealed himself, of not being sure how to proceed from here on out because he's never gotten to this stage before.

"Because he's never felt anything like this before." Isak supplies with a warm smile. Marti nods and smiles back. "Yeah.."

Before they know what is happening Eliott claims to have to meet some friends and Lucas is more or less pushed out the door.

"Wait wait wait.. where is Maddalena?"

Isak slowly shakes his head in apprehension. "Fuck. Is this like. An alternative universe in which Even, I mean, in which Eliott is.. single? This changes everything. Everything!"

The way the french boys linger at the doorstep, the way Eliott finds this - lame and romantic - excuse to still see Lucas off with some sort of gesture, some sort of touch, before he leaves, it's all too much and too confusing and Marti and Isak are both too busy trying to figure out how this fits into their stories. It's as if someone just turned their worlds upside down. Way to learn to never think that you've got the universe all figured out. You don't.

Marti already half came up with an entire theory about how Eliott would not have been as flirty and forward if he had had a girlfriend, how it all made a lot more sense now, and Isak has already made peace with the idea of Eliott being openly gay, when they're out on the streets of Paris, standing on either side of Lucas as they all turn around to see Eliott run out of his building and into the arms of a girl.

"Vaffanculo! Ma che cazzo--"

"Gå til helvete! Nei!!"

 

Lucas, in turn, stays silent as their hearts collectively crack.

 

 


	2. Thursday, February 7th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are standing in the schoolyard, all three turned to face the crowds. 
> 
> There are Yann, Arthur and Basile on the left side of the court, and Cloé and her friend on the right. Martino can hear a dramatic Norwegian sigh on Lucas' other side.

 

**Thursday, February 7th**

**16:50**

 

 

They are standing in the schoolyard, all three turned to face the crowds. There are Yann, Arthur and Basile on the left side of the court, and Cloé and her friend on the right. Martino can hear a dramatic Norwegian sigh on Lucas' other side before Isak speaks.

"I almost forgot how scared we were. I remember it now, but I've left it behind so completely that it feels like a different life almost. I never imagined I'd be back here. Feeling like this. I wish he could feel what I feel instead."

Marti quickly looks at Isak, whose expression is dead serious. Yes, he too was scared, but never like this. Marti feels like his other two counterparts had more difficulties accepting their sexualites than he did. For Marti, seeing Nico and talking to him on that balcony, and the latest when he spent that afternoon at Nico's place, it set everything in stone somehow. It was almost like he didn't have time to freak out about being gay, thoughts and images and dreams of Nico completely having crowded up his brain back then. The fact that he should have been scared shitless about coming out in Italy, even in 2018, sort of didn't bother him as much as he thinks it probably would have otherwise. The power of Niccolò Fares, Marti thinks proudly. His heart feels heavy with how much he misses him. Sometimes Marti's not sure whether thinking about Nico helps him get through the days or whether it makes everything more difficult, but it's not like he could stop himself.

A cold, businesslike determination grabs hold of him the second before Lucas begins to move toward Cloé on the other end of the square. "Oh fuck, here we go," Isak says, as they both set out to follow after Lucas, who has obviously decided to hold a speech to Cloé.

  
"I met a freshmen girl this year. Very beautiful. Like.. gorgeous."

Oh, _that_ speech.

Isak rolls his eyes and folds his arms, taking a defiant stance. "Oh come on, really? How original!"

Marti grins. "You know, only because technically all of this happened to you the longest ago doesn't mean that you're the original genius mastermind behind all of this. Besides, if you were, then we would have you to blame, wouldn't we?"

Isak's squinches up his face, considering what Marti said, but eventually doesn't seem to be ready to dwelve into it further. Obviously a good call since Martino is undeniably right most of the time. Marti can't help but widen his grin. "Whatever," Isak says and turns back to listen to Lucas. "God, I really wish he wouldn't."

"We kissed, hung out, and I thought it was just another story like that.." Lucas continues, "but I was completely fooled. And I'm falling madly in love with her."

"Bella merda," Marti exclaims, all his composure suddenly flushed away as he's raising his hands to the sky. "He didn't have to go so hard, stronzo! What is he doing?"  
   
He can feel Lucas' own grave realization of what he just said sink down deep within his chest. And it feels heavy. It just drags them all down. Isak doesn't comment for once but Marti knows he's feeling all kinds of torments, Lucas' as well as his own.

"Actually, I can't handle it," Lucas says. "I can't because it's the first time that this happens to me. It's the first time--"

"--fy faen!!" Isak yells out. "He's talking about Eliott!"

"Isak, you have no chill." Marti says.

"Says the wildly gesturing Italian. No, just listen Marti! He's talking about him!"

 

"It's the first time this is happening to me-"

 

_Oh._

"Che cazzo di merda fai?! Cretino! You won't be able to take this back, disgraziato!"

Martino is feeling all kinds of upset within himself, as if there were feelings running around the inside surface of his skin and he can't do anything to stop them. He can feel a dozen different types of electric currents buzz through him at the same time, but at different speeds.

He's angry, because Isak is angry, but Martino himself is angry, too. Reminded of something he'd rather have left in the past. But then he's also scared, so scared because Lucas' fear is insanely prominent in all of them that it underlies his every decision. Lucas is scared of opening himself up again and letting other people see him, he's scared that he let Eliott in too much and too close last Friday and that it was all coming back to haunt him now, that Eliott was either playing him or that Lucas was reading the signs completely in the wrong way. There is an avalanche of insecurity overthrowing everything and, at the end of it all, having properly settled inside the three of them the second after Lucas opened his stupid mouth just before, is a biting kind of disappointment. In himself. For not being right for Eliott. For being a coward. For lying like this. In the world. For revealing Eliott to him and not letting him belong to Lucas. For being a world in which a boy who liked other boys had to fight with internalized denial and fear. And could never be sure to win.

"It's the first time that I think about a girl the moment I wake up, or when I go to bed, I think about what I'm gonna say to her if I run into her on campus.."

And the thing is, he's honest. It's easy for Cloé to believe him, because his voice isn't lying when it trembles from emotion, there's sincerity in his eyes and the words he says are true. Except, they're not about _her_.

"So I fuck up. I do stupid things." Isak rolls his eyes and Marti thinks it's all beautifully ironic somehow. He wants to laugh but his heart says no. "Dai, Isak, don't pretend like you've sucked up all the wisdom in the meantime. Those were your mistakes, too."

"I know that. I'm still allowed to hate it."

Marti already hates this situation, too. And so does Lucas. He's building a cage for himself and he's not sure how he'll manoeuvre out of it again, if he ever will. He hates this situation and he hates himself because it's already impossible, because he already wants to run away, wants to hide and scream and break something. The moment these words leave his mouth he wishes he hadn't said them, but he's on a mission and he needs to find a way to make her forgive him. He needs the safety of her attention. He needs to be able to protect himself, and this is the only way he knew how.

 

"Because I would do anything for her."

 

"Oh no you didn't" Isak mumbles, annoyed. Marti lets him have his fit.

 

"Anything?" "Anything."

Admittedly, Lucas is really bringing his top game, cheesy lines and everything. It's quite desperate, Marti thinks. That's probably why it works, too, because next thing he knows, they're kissing. Cloé is smitten. The boys have witnessed it. Mission accomplished.

Lucas, Marti and Isak feel sick.

After Cloé turns around and leaves, the three of them slowly tread toward the other three boys. Arthur and Basile's expressions are hilarious and they make Marti miss Luchino, Elia and Gio, very, very much.

"You need to write everything he's about to say down," Arthur tells Basile, and Marti and Isak can't hold back their grins.

"Lots of determination..."

"Crap, crap! Marti, look!" Isak yells excitedly and Martino turns around just in time to see Eliott approaching Lucas. "Salut." Lucas turns around.

"It's scarf time!" Isak says excitedly, but Marti doesn't have the presence of mind to have made that connection, too many feelings stirring inside of him. Just for a moment he wished he could turn off Lucas' hyperactive heart. Just for one damn moment so he could maybe recollect his own. Because Lucas' mind is all but screaming. It's like he just entered a state of emergency, fight or flight decision pending.

And at the same time, Eliott's beautiful, bright smile has all but paralyzed him.

"Vai all'inferno, could he just stop feeling for a second so I can concentrate!"

Of course not, because that's the moment Lucas' heart decides to do weird kinds of self-destructive somersaults at Eliott greeting his friends with the same sunshine smile.

Eliott looks so happy. Why the fuck does he have to approach him like this right now! And find him today of all days and with this kind of innocent and open energy? This is going to hurt. Lucas doesn’t want to do this. But Marti can’t find the sliver of a choice inside him. It’s like he’s given up. 

"You forgot this the other day," Eliott says and hands Lucas the grey scarf.

"Hey, that's my scarf! Where did you find it?" Yann exclaims happily.

"Three, two, one.." Isak counts down perfectly in time for Lucas to say: "You found it in the common room, right?"

"Yup, web of lies complete for the day," Isak says bitterly.

"Oh, come on now Isak, give him a break." Marti tries to defend Lucas. "We've all been here. Like. Literally."

But the way Eliott's smile fades as Lucas’ lie escapes him, the way his eyes turn somewhat sad and serious.. well. It hurts. It hurts Marti because it hurts Lucas.

"Merci mec, c'est cool."

"Did he just call him 'dude'?" Isak exlaims in disbelief. "No, that's so out of character for us. I'm one hundred percent done with this boy." Marti finds the Norwegian's dramatic reactions hilarious, but he can't quite laugh about them now because Lucas' feelings are too urgent and demand to be felt.

Eliott's tiny nod and withdrawn expression is a stab to all their hearts. "De rien, mec."

"They just called each other dude. It's over. He's friendzoned him. This is ugly." Isak says, Marti's not sure whether he's trying to be funny or whether he's serious.

"Oh come on, as if you never called Even 'dude' or something."

"Nope."

"Never?"

  
But Marti doesn't hear Isak's reply - or if he does reply at all - because Lucas' excentric heart draws their attention to Eliott, who just said his goodbyes and is now walking away from them.

 

Ah.

There it is.

Marti could never forget _this_ feeling.

How could he? It's so utterly ingrained in his soul, has changed his life so completely, that he doesn't think he'll ever forget what it's like.

_The pull._

 

As Eliott walks away, Lucas' feels like gravity has shifted to wherever Eliott is, pulling him in, tugging at his insides, commanding him to follow. The further Eliott walks away the stronger the pull, and Lucas does everything in his power not to stumble to run after him, not to give in to the invisible but insistent thread tugging at his heart, bound to Eliott, who just passed through that door. He can't seem to take his eyes off it.

The very last space in his visual field that held Eliott's presence.

 

"Who was that? He seemed really nice?" Arthur asks.

 

"Nobody."

"Oh great, I guess one more lie doesn't hurt, eh?" Isak mumbles, but he, too, is still watching that door like a hawk.

They're all hoping that Eliott will walk back out. Hoping that he'll just come back and that Lucas will just have to look at him once more to dispell this weird exchange that just happened between them. He wants to take it all back. Regrets it, everything he just did out here. He just wants Eliott to smile at him again, to tell him that it's okay. That it didn't matter. That they should hang out again soon and listen to quirky music on vinyl.

"He has like, zero friends so he talked to me.." and it's like Lucas' mouth just talks without asking his brain for permission. It's like the scared closeted idiot inside of him just decided to take the wheel. "I don't know how he knew it was Yann's scarf. He's like, stalking people."

Marti coughs once for dramatic effect. "Porca miseria."

The boys all receive a text message, and of course it's a party invitation for tomorrow. Martino feels giddy, definitely his own giddiness. "Yes! Basta with this crap! It all ends tomorrow!"

Lucas' friends start talking about the party and about possible costumes, but it doesn't seem to matter. Lucas isn't listening. His eyes find the door, once more. He's just torn himself apart. He didn't know he could feel this kind of gravity. At once pulled in infinitely by Eliott and pulled apart because he wasn't able to move and follow. Would maybe never be able to.

 

Marti sighs. Then he realizes that he's just understood something. Something that he never really thought about before.

"He's lacking a sense of fate, our boy. Destino, you know?" Marti quickly looks at Isak, but Isak is puzzled. "He doesn't feel like they're inevitable. He feels torn apart and overwhelmed. Changed. Overpowered. Me? I don't know, but I guess I always knew Nico would find me, one way or another. I can't tell you why. I just did."

Isak seems to ponder it for a moment but then he shakes his head. "No, I didn't feel that way at all. For the longest time I thought Even was too good to be true. Too far away to be mine, really. It didn't feel real for a long time."

Marti thinks that this is where they were different then, because he had never felt as real as when he had been with Nico.

"It's okay though, you know. We still got to where we are now, and I wouldn't change a thing about us. And to me, that is destiny, too" Isak says, a deeply affectionate look in his eyes that Marti knows is all for Even.

It spreads warmth through Marti's chest and makes him smile, too.

"Yes, yes it is."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Open for constructive criticism! ;)


	3. Friday, February 8th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Okay, this party is a serious upgrade from the one at my apartment. I mean, this is a proper illegal rave.." Isak says in admiration as he stares at the neon light accents in the room.

**Friday, February 8th**

**21:36**

 

 

"Okay, this party is a serious upgrade from the one at my apartment. I mean, this is a proper illegal rave." Isak says in admiration as he stares at the neon light accents in the room.

The electronic music is blasting with just the right volume. People are dancing, and others still manage to talk to each other without having to resort to sign language. Marti guesses that this really isn't a bad party at all.

They manage to feel a little tipsy from their connection to Lucas and after Isak announces that they deserve a break from Lucas and that they are allowed to have fun, they actually do join Lucas on the dancefloor. Lucas and Cloé, that is.

Maybe Marti is just more attentive or more sensitive or maybe he just lacks Isak's powerful ability to suppress Lucas' feelings -- or maybe Isak just does it because Marti is sensible enough for both of them -- but he can't quite enjoy this evening. It's not him, either. It's Lucas. His heavy heart is dragging Marti's party mood down and Marti just isn't able to ignore it.

Lucas is on edge. He can't decide whether he's sad and disappointed because Eliott isn't here, or whether he's frustrated and mad at himself for not being able to stop looking for him, always looking toward that damned door, always expecting him to appear somewhere. It's like he's on pins and needles and he can't relax. So Marti can't relax.

God knows how Isak manages to, but he seems fine just dancing. Maybe it's the factor of time. Maybe Isak's already so secure in his connection with Even, having been together for two years now, that he's just inhabited by a deep trust that can't be shaken. Not even by Lucas' urgently present feelings. Marti is kind of glad. He's looking forward to this kind of trust.

 

When Lucas and Cloé decide to take a break at the bar, Marti and Isak decide to follow them. The dread in Lucas' chest is very loud in that moment. He doesn't want to spend time with Cloé pretending to be a couple. He hates it. Especially if there are no boys to witness anything and no Eliott to guard against. When they're really just by themselves, Lucas just feels horrible.

"Daphne should really reevaluate her taste in music, this is impossible." Cloé says.

Lucas doesn't feel like engaging at all but he guesses that conversation is better than making out. "Ah, the music talk." Isak comments. Marti doesn't understand, but he also doesn't ask.

"Why, what do you listen to? Jul?"

"Okay, there's a cultural reference that just went straight over my head.." Marti acknowledges. Isak nods but adds: "I'm sure it's just the French equivalent of Justin Bieber." There's a knowing grin on his face. Marti still doesn't ask.

"Yeah, no, come on. I'm more into old school rock, you know, like AC/DC, the Clash!"

Isak laughs out loud. Okay, that's it, Marti's had enough.

"What is it?" Marti says, but Isak just shakes his head.

"Me? I'm really into dubstep at the moment. Like Borgore, I don't know if you're familiar."

Lucas' voice is so matter-of-fact, owning this statement so genuinely that Marti is filled with such immense fondness for the boy, his heart almost bursts. He doesn't want to have anything in common with this girl. He doesn't want to match with her. He wants to have everything in common with Eliott. Is trying to make connections to him however he can. 

"He's so far gone for that boy." Isak smiles affectionately. "Did you just hear him say he liked dubstep. He was properly brainwashed. Love is a powerful thing."

Marti's smile widens. "It made me eat carbonara with tabasco. My brain was washed proper."

Some things happen differently. When Isak and Marti expect Eliott to show up, he does not. Instead, Alexa, God bless her heart, points out Cloé's generalization of gays. Marti thinks it's endlessly fascinating that certain little details are immaculately the same in all three universes.

And then, Eliott does show up. Lucas - and by extension Martino and Isak - stop breathing for what feels like a minute.

 

"Salut, mec."

 

"Oh, oh, oh!" Isak exlaims proudly. "Look at this. My man has come through. Call him the fuck out on his 'mec' crap, Eliott. Thank you."

"You really hate this 'dude' thing don't you?" Marti asks, amused. "You're damn right I hate it. Even is my babe, the man of my dreams, my future husband, not my dude."

"Okay, okay.. " Marti says, fragments of "amore mio, comunque vada" intruding his brain. _Not now, please._ He can't afford to cry now.

 

"Hi, I'm Cloé!" "Lucille, nice to meet you."

 

Marti can feel that Isak finds all of this very funny, but Marti can't quite take it with the same peace of mind. It's too fresh for him. It's only been barely three months for Marti. He's only just gone through this himself. Lucas' feelings hit too close to home. His jealousy. His anger. His frustration. His want. The longing. The desire. _The pull._

"Nope, you know what. I think I'm going to cash in those few feet of distance that we're allowed. I can't watch them on the dancefloor. In fact, I don't think I should. I think we should both leave them some privacy." Marti puts his hand on Isak's arm and drags him to the side of the dancefloor. "Let's just.. stand on the sidelines for a bit, okay?"

Isak smiles at him understandingly. "Sure," and Marti is grateful to him. 

 

As it turns out, even from the sidelines the entire spectacle is upsetting enough. Because they still feel what Lucas feels. It's too much, Marti can barely stand.

 

It's too much.

 

He wants Nico.

 

He can feel a hand on his shoulder. Isak. But the music suddenly stops before Marti actually has a breakdown. Daphne is shouting at people to leave the premises.

In that mass chaos and confusion, and people running around, into and over each other, Lucas is only looking for Eliott. Marti and Isak just observe him from a distance. And then it's Eliott who finds Lucas.

The relief. The ecstasy. The pure satisfaction of knowing that Eliott felt the same pull.

"Lucas knows. He knows, do you feel it? He knows that Eliott--"

"Yes. Yes!!" Isak laughs happily, and Marti laughs with him. 

 

"I'll walk you home.."

 

"Let's go."

 

Marti decides that he likes Paris. It's not exactly Rome, but it's not too shabby. That walk along the Seine at night, admittedly, it's romantic as hell, but it's beautiful. It might also be Lucas' feelings that are talking now.

What is definitely Lucas' is this feeling of overpowerment. He feels shocked at the beauty of Eliott. Feels an electric impulse every time he looks into Eliott's eyes directly. And since that is happening all the time, Lucas is constantly buzzing with this tension, this energy. He's overjoyed at getting to spend some time with Eliott again, he's ecstatic about having found back into their comfortable dynamic. And Lucas is hungry. So, so hungry for more of it. More of Eliott. More words and information, more looks and smiles and sounds and more time. There can never be enough time.

Marti and Isak sigh in unison. They understand.

"So, you'll get together with a new girl straight away?" Lucas asks. 

Isak and Marti are already shaken enough by Eliott's previous statement about wanting a relationship. That boy.

"Well, yeah." Eliott says with a tiny smirk.

"Oh wow," Isak whispers, "Lucas just asked him about dating girls. He's giving him a sign. Do you realize that?"

Marti hadn’t, in fact, realized this until now, but yes, yes of course.

 

"Not necessarily a girl, for that matter."

 

Lucas, Marti and Isak's heads all turn to look at Eliott with such speed, Marti is amazed that none of them break their necks in the process. Isak chokes on air, coughing next to him, ruining the mood. Eliott and Lucas just look at each other. Impossible stamina for eye contact, Marti admits. He would have been reduced to a puddle under Nico’s hot dark eyes back then, had he been exposed to them like this. Or he would have thrown all caution to hell and kissed him on that trashcan. Of course the two French boys keep looking at each other, the unguarded implication hanging heavily between them, all the way until they reach the aparment building. Finally Lucas halts and turns to face Eliott. Their height difference is endearing, Marti notes.

"I guess this is where we say goodbye."

 

Lucas is overrun by a million feelings. Marti can tell that he's not able to process this new piece of information, that he'll need time, even though last Friday he thought that he read the signs correctly. Still. He has never been confronted with such openness in his life. Has never felt anything remotely similar before. Martino knows the feeling. But the pull doesn't need time. The pull knows what it wants.

 

"If they kiss now, I'm suing my universe." Marti says. "This isn't fair. You don't understand-"

"--except, I really, really do--" Isak puts in and Marti wants to laugh but he's too focused on the scene unfolding in front of him.

"--I wanted that kiss like I haven't wanted anything in my life until that point and--"

 

"Salut!" Manon's voice comes from behind them.

 

Eliott, Lucas, Marti and Isak all turn around to look at her. Marti thinks it would have been a rather comical scene if anyone were able to see the four of them in this type of almost choreographed unison. But since fucking no one can see them, their comic potential is wasted.

"Good. I would have been mad, I tell you. Davvero." Marti says, as their collective hearts clench with Lucas' desire having been nipped in the bud like this.

 

Isak can't suppress a giggle.

 

"Even would love this."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, everything is about to change a little in the next chapter. Fair warning.


	4. Saturday, February 9th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas’ lets himself feel more, Marti can tell. 
> 
> In the safety inside his room, alone - or at least Lucas thinks he is - he lets himself be unguarded and lets himself react, lets the smile happen and the butterflies flutter, enjoying the full force of his feelings for Eliott.

**Saturday, February 9th**

**13:25**

 

Lucas’ lets himself feel more, Marti can tell. In the safety inside his room, alone - or at least Lucas thinks he is - he lets himself be unguarded and lets himself react, lets the smile happen and the butterflies flutter, enjoying the full force of his feelings for Eliott.

Lucas’ face lights up like candles and Marti’s heart feels full. Why can’t his boy be this beautifully happy all the time? Marti doesn’t remember having felt this kind of.. constant sadness and loneliness during this time of his own. But maybe he just doesn’t want to remember. Then again, Lucas’ friends aren’t half the boy squad Marti thinks his contrabbandieri are. But hist judgement might be biased.

Marti wishes he could just put his arms around this precious boy, make him feel warm and make him feel loved and wanted and --

"I can't believe Mika.." Isak says softly next to him and Marti sighs. He still has to get used to this whole parallel-universe-self thing, it's uncanny. Of course Isak's thoughts would go in the same direction as his own. Marti nods.

"Eskild would have never.." Marti can see Isak shake his head from the corner of his eye. But his attention is on Lucas, still. His phone buzzes again and Lucas - so hopeful - looks down again to read Eliott's next message. He's not available this afternoon. He'll see him on Monday.

Lucas' smile falls away, but because Martino can feel what Lucas feels, he knows that it's alright, too. He was brave enough to ask and he's happy about that. He's proud of himself for reaching out and he's happy to have established a link between them now. If Eliott wants to text him, well, now he just.. _can_. Marti's lips settle into a smile at the pure sweetness of this boy's thoughts.

 

Manon comes in and talks to him and Isak and Marti aren't particularly surprised that Lucas denies Eliott once again. At least he didn't say he was a stalker this time. Manon at least has the tact to express her gratitude and it softens Lucas, as he can feel that she is sincerely grateful. He can also feel that there's more behind her return than she wants to admit at this point, but Lucas is not one to pry.

Still, Lucas has to pack his things.

"What is he gonna do now.." Isak mutters to himself and Marti finally turns to look at him. There is concern in Isak's face, real worry. And in this moment, Marti realizes that he doesn't know what this is like. That this is an experience he doesn't share with his two counterparts. He always had his mother. He always had a home of his own. He was never worried about paying rent. About haivng enough to eat. He feels guilty for having treated his mamma badly during this time. And he's flooded with an immense gratitude for his mom. He's never going to take her for granted again.

Marti nudges Isak's shoulder gently. "Hey, come on now. It's all going to be fine. He's not on the street, he just has to move to the couch.."

"You don't get it. They're excluding him. They're all but pushing him out. Can you imagine going through the next few weeks and not having your own space to withdraw to?" Isak looks him straight in the eye when he asks the question, a heavy knowledge settled in between them. Marti sighs and after a while he says that no, no he really could not.

Isak smiles and turns to look back at Lucas. When he starts to speak, Marti thinks that he's never heard him talk with such serenity before. Has never heard him say so many words at once, in fact.

"I've never thought about it like this before. Eskild didn't have to do all these things for me. He didn't have to take me in when he did. He didn't have to force his affection onto me like he did. At the time I thought he was being overbearing and difficult, maybe a little pushy. But now I think I just.. I realize that he made me feel welcome and at home with all of that."

They both smile then, and Marti realizes that Lucas is teaching them a lesson. That maybe they're not here to guard him or take care of him, at all, but that maybe, unknowingly, Lucas' story is making them understand more about their own. Marti's heart tightens at the idea. He wishes Nico were here with him. Nico would love all of this. The idea that Lucas, despite feeling like he's the loneliest person on the planet and has no one to really talk to, is in fact not alone at all.

 

"I wish he weren't alone," Marti and Isak say, at exactly the same time and pace.  

 

The two boys look at each other, eyes wide in surprise. They were in such complete synch, both in thoughts and words, but that alone wouldn’t have been so out of character for them.

 

It’s what happens next that is unsettling.

 

After they both say the sentence they feel an immediate pull to the ground, as if they had just been exposed to a magnetic field in the direction of the earth. For a second Marti thinks they just experienced an earthquake. But do those ever happen in Paris?

"Putain de merde!" Lucas yells, falling back onto the bed, his entire body defensively moving backward.

Marti realizes, quite mortifyingliy, that Lucas is staring at them. Can actually _see_ them. "You.. can you see us?" Marti all but stutters. "What?" Isak exclaims and turns a sharp look in Lucas' direction. "Fy faen!! He can see us?!"

Lucas appears shell shocked. Marti doesn’t blame him. "Who the fuck are you and how.. how did you get here, and _when_? How!" Marti feels that Lucas is building up a proper panic. In fact, Marti is building up quite a bit of it himself.

"Listen, listen. This is amazing. I can't believe it! Marti! Was that us? Did we make this happen by wishing away his loneliness?" "You what?" Lucas exclaims in a shocked tone and Isak all but ignores him. Marti has to step in or else their French boy might faint.

"Lucas, breathe. It's a long story, okay, but.. we, I can’t believe I’m about to say this but, we come in peace." Marti doesn’t have to look at Isak to know he’s rolling his eyes so far back into his skull that they’re all white.

Oh this is going brilliantly. Just perfectly. Bravo, Martino. As he watches Lucas' eyes widen even further, Marti realizes that he has no idea di merda what to even say. Humongous blue orbs are staring at him in shock. Marti tries to focus all his mind power to formulate a coherent sentence that he thinks might make Isak and him appear less like freaks of nature to Lucas.

"I know it sounds crazy. And you probably don't believe me--" "You're right, I don't, whatever it is.." Lucas interrupts him, but Marti is determined "--we've been with you for almost two weeks now."

 

"What."

 

Okay, maybe this wasn't the best of sentences. "Wow, good job, you absolute genius." Isak decides to contribute generously and rolls his eyes. Marti hates his guts sometimes. "Look, Lucas. My name is Isak, this is Marti. We are like you but, like.. in _my_ universe we live in Norway and we've actually already kind of already liv--" Isak stops suddenly. Or rather, his mouth keeps moving but no words come out. Marti looks at him, actually worried. "Isak what's wrong?"

Isak's face contorts into weird grimaces. It looks like he's trying to articulate himself, without success.

Finally, he says "I can't. I can't say it. I--" "Okay, now I'm scared." Lucas says and Marti nods. "Yeah, uhm.."

 

"This is the freakiest nightmare I've ever had, I swear to God. I don't know where all this is coming from, I've never dreamt of strangers in such detail I mean, wow, just.." Marti realizes that Lucas' panic and fear is making him talk overly much and fast and that his mind is trying to narrate itself through this inexplicable situation. The human psyche is a wonderful thing, Marti thinks. "I mean, I must be more fucked up than I thought," Lucas mumbles. 

Marti thinks that he can't blame Lucas for thinking that he's dreaming. God, for all he knows, maybe that is what is going on here, really. There's just no way to know.

 

_Marti. Marti do you hear me?_

 

It's Isak's voice but he hasn't opened his mouth to speak. Marti looks at him.

_Yes, you moron, you're reading my thoughts because I want you to read them. Listen to me. It seems like I can't speak of the future. I mean, Lucas' future. Or our past. Or whatever. It's like, the universe won't let me tell him anything that will make him know more than he's supposed to. No spoilers, you get it?_

Martino swallows. He'll try to think about the fact that he just heard Isak's thoughts later, because that will take about ten years to process at least. So he decides to be pragmatic about this new piece of information.

"So, Lucas, listen, we're from the fu--"

 

Silence.

 

Okay, so future is a no-go. "We know about--" Yup. His voice is gone. Martino wants to tell Lucas about Nico, about Eliott, about what's going to happen, but his voice is cut off. Isak is right. _See what I mean?_ Isak thinks.

"Okay, that's it. You guys are officially like, the weirdest people I have ever dreamt up. I mean. This is weirder than that dream I had about the pornstache wallrus that wanted to eat my bed. And that shit was freaky, okay? Honestly, I don't know what gives me the creeps more at this point, being aware that I'm dreaming or the fact that I haven't woken up yet." Lucas laughs nervously and Marti thinks that he's calmed down quite well, considering the circumstances.

"Okay, so.. it's weird that you can see us suddenly, but it's also pretty awesome, because we're like.. let's say..  your guardian angels, okay?" Isak manages to say. He must have had some kind of enlightening idea and it seems to work.

 _Brilliant_ , Marti thinks. _We just need to find a way around it._

 _I know,_ Isak replies in thought. Even through his thoughts Marti can hear Isak's cockiness. This boy is too much.

 _Wow, this will be so, so annoying._ "Guardian angels. Right." Lucas' face is almost comical with how little he buys that. This entire ordeal is hopeless.

 

Nico would have so many ideas. Martino wishes he could just.. beam Nico here. What he wouldn't give for that.

"Yes, look. We're here because you're not alone. Okay? Even if your mom is going through a really difficult time of her own and can't be here for you, and your dad being gone most of the time and Manon just having taken your bedroom again--" Isak starts but Lucas interrupts him, alarm in his voice.

"--wait, how the fuck do you know this exactly?"

"--it's what I've been trying to tell you but, I can't exactly tell you everything. The point is, we're your.." Isak struggles to find the right word.

_What the fuck do I say? Alter egos? Spirit guardians? Fuck. Marti, come on! Help me out!_

Marti sighs.

"It's not easy to explain, Lucas. We're not exactly sure why we have been sent here either. But we can't tell you anything, because this universe won't let us. You can't know more than you are supposed to know for your story to still happen."

"My _story?_ "

"Your life, I guess." Marti replies. It sounds so dramatic if he says it like that.

"It sounds so dramatic if you say it like that," Lucas repeats and, yep, it's freaky alright.

 

"Oh wait," Lucas says, eyes suddenly lit up as if a bright light just appeared before him. Marti can all but see the lightbulb above his head. "Is this like in that Netflix show, what was it called again.."

"Sense 8," Isak supplies.

"Yes! Yes, exactly!"

"Yeah, I guess it kind of is, except that it only goes one way. At least so far. It's only us, being able to visit you, I think.." Isak says slowly. God, how Marti wishes they could. And he can feel Isak’s desire for that surge up inside him, too. If only they could.. change directions. Turn it around. He wants to be back home so, so badly. And he thinks that he’d like to show Nico off to Isak. God how he misses Rome. He misses his friends. His mamma. He misses being a real human presence in the world. Living a real life. Eating pizza.

 

He's scared to think of how much he misses Nico, because that's just a bottomless pit of feelings, a pandora’s box that he’ll never be able to contain once it’s opened for good.

 

"Oh. Alright. So can.. can you take control, too?" Lucas asks warily.

"No, definitely not. We can't do shit." Isak says. "Except talk to you now. Which is so fucking dope."

"Okay, good. I don't think I would have liked that."

Marti feels a calmness settle inside Lucas. He's not alarmed anymore. He's curious. _Wow, I can't believe this really calmed him down. This is ridiculous,_ Isak thinks. _But it makes sense. I would probably have reacted in the same way._

"Alright, so.. uh, are you guys just.. always gonna be here? Or will you also disappear? I mean.. this might turn out to be fun but..  "

"I don't know, we're not sure how it works, we didn't even think it was possible to communicate with you.." Marti answers carefully, still trying to figure out which parts are okay by the universe and which parts will just be silenced. But maybe there's no need to worry about it because --

"Lucas!?"  Manon's voice suddenly interrupts them from the hallway.

"Ehh.. Yes?" Lucas answers. "Who are you talking to?"

_Oh, fuck._

The door opens and Manon enters the room. And, sure enough, the earthquake feeling shudders through Marti again. He's figuring it out. "I think I figured it out" Isak says and Marti wants to slap him.

"You mean how you always have to state the obvious?" Marti says. Isak ignores this. "Whatever. Anyway, he can only see us when he's alone. As soon as someone else is with him, we disappear. See?" Isak says. "Yo, Lucas, you are going to kiss Eliott this week." Marti's eye widen but, as a matter of fact, Lucas hasn't heard a thing. And Isak was able to say it. So they really disappeared again.

Marti  nods. And sure enough, Lucas' lost and confused staring into empty space seems to confirm their theory further. "Oh, no one. Uhm. I was just sending voice messages to Yann, that's all." Lucas tells Manon, who blushes and seems to feel silly for thinking anything else. "Wow. Someone's got a quick wit" Isak is impressed and Marti has to agree.

 

"Ah, alright. Sorry. I'll leave you to it." Manon steps back out the door, closing it after her.

"Okay, uhm. This is freaky. Guys?"  Lucas whispers tentatively.

"Marti, how do we get back?" Isak asks.

 _Cazzo._ Martino has no idea. Do they have to make a wish again? They try it four times, but to no avail.

 

"For fuck's sake," Isak curses and is visibly frustrated as he sits down on the bed next to Lucas, who has no idea he's there anymore. "Why can't we have nice things.." 

"Look, Isak, it happened once, I'm sure it will happen again. We just.. I don't know.. have to figure out a way to pass to his.. realm, or whatever."

"You sound like such a cliché. If you start talking about magical port keys, so help me God--" 

 

"Isak! Marti!" Lucas calls out quietly into the room. "I'm losing my mind" Lucas says to himself. "Yup, that's it. I'm losing it. Putain."

 

After quite a while in which they all just sit there in silence, somewhat frustrated and at the same time utterly excited at the sheer possibility of connecting, Isak eventually gasps.

 

"I have an idea" he says, devious grin spreading on his face. Marti grins back. _Yes, yes that could work._

 

"Vabbè, facciamo."

 

 

 


	5. Wednesday, February 13th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was safe to say that Isak‘s idea had been an absolute failure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vous êtes pas prêts.

**Wednesday, February 13th**

**13:43**

 

Marti felt that it was safe to say that Isak‘s idea had been an absolute failure. More than that, he didn‘t know why Marti himself ever thought that the two of them hugging Lucas and chanting „You‘re not alone“ - in three different languages, mind you - would work.

So they‘ve been back to zero, again. And Marti is pretty sure that Lucas has filed them away as a nightmare in his head and hasn't dedicated another thought to them since. Even if he had, Marti thinks, thoughts of Eliott are so loud and so all-consuming that Marti is surprised Lucas even remembers to eat  three meals a day.

13:43, no sign of Eliott.

Marti sighs. The disappointment that's gotten its claws in Lucas' heart now is a threatening menace and Marti doesn't like it one bit. Nico never stood him up like this, not exactly. He doesn't know what it might change for Lucas and Eliott. And at the same time, he knows that, if they're anything like Nico and him, it won't matter in the end. If they're anything like Nico and him, they'd do anything to love each other.

"Is it weird that I'm worried about Eliott? I know he's not Even, not exactly. But I still wish I could just.. check on him.. make sure he's okay.." Isak says slowly, his voice almost delicate. It's as if he needed to find the right words to express himself and he could only be sure they were right once he heard them come through his mouth. "No, it's not weird" Marti assures him. Martino enjoys this side of Isak the most. The calm, gentle boy who's not ashamed to stand by his feelings, who's not afraid to show just how much he cares, just how much he will protect what - or who - he loves. Marti feels oddly proud of him, which in turn makes him feel oddly proud of himself, too.

The girls come into the foyer and Lucas' heart feels crushed once and for all. Whereas there was still a spark of hope that Eliott would still show up while he was waiting for him by himself, with the girls appearing and getting comfortable to stay here, he wouldn't be able to be the version of himself he wanted to be with Eliott anymore, anyway. So Lucas leaves and leaves the idea of this encounter behind. An encounter which he had been imagining over and over and over..

Isak sighs dramatically and folds his arms. "He'll do something stupid I can feel it."

Yes, Marti thinks. It's inevitable. The shame inside of Lucas is too restless, anxious and impossible to endure as it is. He's disappointed, yes, he was stood up, was possibly played, too, he believes. What pains Marti the most is this pure and simple nature of the misunderstanding that is settling between Lucas and Eliott now. Lucas feels like he read too much into Eliott, like the possibility to spend time with each other doesn't mean half as much to Eliott as it does to him, that he opened himself up and made himself vulnerable only to end up getting hurt. Lucas is confused, unable to trust his own judgement of Eliott, unable to trust himself to make the right decisions if this is where they'll lead him.

When Manon runs after him out to the hallway and asks him about Eliott, again, and brings up last Friday, too, something in Lucas snaps. He wants to punish himself for how stupid he was. That he even opened himself up like this. He's ashamed, he's afraid, and Cloé's figure behind Manon is like a godsent. 

"Ah, I had forgotten how impulsive we were. And how lonely. He's just trying to fit in, isn't he.. He's just trying not to give anyone anymore reason to hurt him. And if he could just be normal for one more moment, he'll be fine." Isak narrates bitterly, as he and Martino watch Lucas reel Cloé back in again.

"He keeps getting lost," Isak says slowly. It's not necessarily the tone in Isak's voice that alerts Marti that something has changed. It's that he can feel it inside his chest, a weird kind of release, as if Isak just let out a breath he didn't know he was holding - or they were holding collectively.

 

"Fuck Marti, I think I get it now."

 

"Get what?"

 

"The struggle. The challenge. The entire thing. Listen. Lucas keeps losing himself, but that's the struggle?" Marti looks at him, confused. "What exactly are you saying, Isak?" 

"He has to find himself. And when he finds himself, he has to learn to be proud of who he is."

Marti's heart tightens. 

"He has to be the hero of his own story," Isak continues, more excitedly, a brightness settling in his eyes. "And for that, he'll need to face and then accept himself, and he'll have to feel _everything_ , and live _everything_ , he'll have to be brave. And when the time comes, he'll have to love. And all of this?"

"Yeah.." Marti confirms.

  
"He'll have to go through it by himself. He won't learn if he doesn't. He won't grow like he needs to." Isak takes a deep breath and Martino nods in understanding and agreement. "We have to stay away from him. We can't try to get back to him. We have to..."

 

"...endure him being alone. Just like you and I were."

 

Isak nods, and considers something for a moment.

 

"And just like Even was, too."

 

 

* * *

 

**Wednesday, February 13th**

**14:43**

 

They stay quiet for a long time, the dry scratching of Eliott's pencil on the paper surface the only sound in the room. Sometimes it's really fast and nervous, almost frantic, and other times it's slowed down, almost halts as Eliott gets lost in details.

Even feels the oscillating rhythm in his bones.

He knows that Nico is thinking about it, too. How they were nothing if not stuck eternally between two opposing extremes. But Nico doesn't say any of it. So they just lie there on Eliott's bed while he's drawing at his desk. Even raises his head slightly to look in Eliott's direction. He's surrounded himself with a maddening amount of sheets of paper as he keeps drawing sketch after sketch. Half of them or more have been crumpled and discarded on the floor. If that's not symbolic for this entire situation then Even doesn't know what is. He sighs and lies his head back down on the soft pillow. 

Even can feel Nico's own feelings and thoughts working incessantly next to him within the boy’s mind and heart. He's trying to hide it, is trying not to be weak. Even decides to just be here with him and not push him into talking or engaging, or sharing - more than he already has to share by design of their strange situation. It's the only thing he _can_ do, really. For both of them.

And even though Nico and him are both trying to somehow hold on to the idea of a border between them and Eliott, between each of them, Even thinks that it's easier for him than it is for Nico. Not to lose himself. 

Defining where Eliott's feelings end and his own begin, and even Nico's, it's easier because Even has the advantage of time. He has been better for quite a while now, he's learned how to deal with what his mind throws at him and even in the moments in which he's losing himself, he likes to think that he has gotten better at it. At being lost. It doesn't destroy him as much as it did. Because he always comes back to himself. Because he has a home to come back to. Isak is there and that alone is powerful enough to ground him. Sometimes it's the only thing he remembers in all the chaos.

But although Eliott's feelings were easy to trace back to him, they weren't easy to _feel with_ him. They were still here. And they were overwhelming. No wonder this boy decided to press pause on the world. Eliott is doubting whether he is equipped to handle the way Lucas affects him, is doubting whether he has what it takes to manage getting closer. It's already too strong. Too fast and too much, wrapped within an intensity that he's never encountered in his life. Even relates so much it _hurts_.

So Eliott withdraws. Instead of following up on his actions, instead of making a decision, moving forward on the path he really, really wants to go on, he stays still. He is so afraid to move in the wrong way that, instead, he doesn't move at all.

He doesn't trust himself. The bitter truth of this hangs heavy in the room with the three of them, dragging them all down. Nico and Even felt the sensation to such a degree that it made them physically tired - as much as invisible spirit companions (yes, this is what Even decided they were and you can't convince him otherwise) even _could_ feel something physically. Even ponders, but lets the thread of this idea go very quickly, not feeling motivated to think about it further.

He wonders what time it is, but they have no way to know. Eliott hid his phone away shortly before 13:00 and hasn't taken it out since. He's trying to hide from the world. Even knows that it's an illusion. Shutting out the world won't shut out the thing that you're really trying to escape.  

He can feel the very same process going on inside Niccolò right now. He's withdrawing inside, trying to hide from Even, trying to make _it_ go away and shut up and leave, by pretending it's not there in the first place.

Even finds this entire experience nauseatingly intimate in this very moment. He thinks if anyone has the worst luck when it comes to having to feel what three versions of themselves are feeling at the same time; Even, Nico and Eliott's personalities are on the very craziest end of the spectrum of what's humanly possible to endure.

This wasn't the way he imagined a parallel universe revelation to go down at all. Somehow his fantasies never involved an inescapable confrontation with his very own texture, his innermost _me_.

 

"Putain.." Eliott mumbles and crumples another sketch, before he finds a new, blank piece of paper and begins again. _Tries again._

"So stubborn." Nico comments. Even turns to look at him and sees that he has his eyes closed. Even smiles and adds: "Always.." hoping that his subtle hint at Nico's own stubborn attempts at denying that he wasn't feeling well and how it was making him feel infinitely worse would reach their destination.

Nico opens his eyes and turns to look at Even. Dark green eyes search his own for something. Even doesn't need to guess what it is Nico is looking for, but soon enough he has found it. He lets out a resigned sigh and swallows.

 

"I've been thinking."

  
"I can feel that." Even answers carefully.

 

"I wish we could reach out to him. I really do. I'd tell him to stop overthinking and just go to him. I'd tell him to remember how he felt on Friday, how it felt _right_ to say what he said. He's destroying everything by doubting himself and I'm just.." Nico is lowering his voice, probably without doing it on purpose, but the effect of it in combination with what he says next makes Even feel goosebumps. 

"..reminded of _me_. It all comes back to _me_ again and _only_ me and I'm scared that this is all there is. That I'm alone. That this is how it has to be in every lifetime."

"What else would you tell him?" Even asks, hoping to turn Nico's thoughts into a more hopeful direction. Hoping to remind him that he's _not_ Eiott. That he's here now but that he's still himself and as such is armed with his own experience and the insight of his own story.

 

"I would tell him that he's _not_ going to overcomplicate Lucas' life. That he _wasn't_ being pushy and that Lucas doesn't think he's too _chelou_. That he shouldn't be scared to get closer to him because Lucas is going to be the best thing that will ever have happened to him and every amount of time he spends not being with him is just time wasted." Even smiles. Nico smiles back. "What?"

"Nothing, I just love how sappy we are. Listen to us. Not to mention that one there--" nodding in the direction of Eliott, who is still scribbling dark clouds around lonely raccoons "--so _dramatic_."

 

"And not to mention our tactless humor with which we try to brush over difficult emotional discourse." Nico raises an eyebrow in challenge and Even feels exposed and called out. Wow.

"Well.."

"Che palle! Demands me to spill my guts but won't do it himself."

Even can't stop himself from smirking. "Don't you feel better now though?" Nico rolls his eyes, but smiles. Even knows he does, because he can feel it. And then he can feel something else, too. Nico and Even smile at each other simultaneously.

 

"He'll try again." Nico states matter-of-factly.

 

Even nods. Yes. Their boy will try again tomorrow.

 

 


	6. Thursday, February 14th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their hearts collectively fall as Lucas, Martino and Isak walk out of the classroom and see Cloé waiting in front of the classroom. 
> 
> This girl doesn‘t deserve this. She‘s trying so hard, is so sweet and kind and really, Marti wishes Lucas wouldn‘t think this was necessary. But all three of them have been in his shoes. There is no way around the lesson.

**Thursday, February 14th**

**16:34**

 

Their hearts collectively fall as Lucas, Martino and Isak walk out of the classroom and see Cloé waiting in front of the classroom. This girl doesn‘t deserve this. She‘s trying so hard, is so sweet and kind and really, Marti wishes Lucas wouldn‘t think this was necessary. But all three of them have been in his shoes. There is no way around the lesson.

Lucas‘ entire body instinctively tenses. Without an urgent reason to be Cloé‘s boyfriend, without someone to convince or to hold a show for, Lucas is lost. More than that, he can‘t find a sliver of motivation to keep up the show when no one is watching. When she kisses him, his instinct is to flinch back. Marti winces at the awkwardness of it all.

„Faen, he‘s worse at this fake relationship thing than I was. And that‘s saying something.“ Isak giggles. But they both know this isn‘t funny, exactly. Marti and Isak both know that they‘ve hurt these girls. No one deserves to be used and lied to like this. But no one deserves to be outed to the entire school against their will, either.

„I honestly feel like Lucas has dug himself a deeper hole than I ever did. He‘s.. Pretty extreme about this whole thing, isn‘t he?“ Marti shrugs, not feeling like playing this compare-alter-ego-decisions-game for much longer. 

„I think she‘s jealous.“ Cloé says and Lucas immediately counters with the most bored and disbelieving expression Marti has ever seen on his face. „Of us?“ _Why? Who would want this?_

Lucas‘ reaction is so ironic, Marti wishes he could allow himself to laugh about it. But his own amusement is overshadowed by the seriousness of Lucas‘ own feelings toward himself and the situation he‘s caused between Cloé and himself. Marti notices Isak lean against the wall next to Lucas and fold his arms, before sighing heavily.

The thing is — Lucas feels horrible. His actions make him feel ugly inside and he doesn‘t think that this is a life he wants to live. Of course it isn‘t. But it‘s like the brave part of him disappears in the most decisive moments. It‘s like his entire courage has this annoying habit of vanishing and leaving only ugliness, cowardice and impulsiveness in its stead. This is why Lucas kissed Cloé yesterday after Eliott had stood him up and Manon had confronted him about it. The words that had left his mouth never even passed through his brain for approval. It all just.. kept happening in this way and before he knew it, he had dug himself deeper than ever. Lucas feels trapped and leashed and it makes Marti's mood sour.

Suddenly, a familiar brown jacket approaches from the corner of Martino’s eye and when he turns to look, Eliott‘s low, raspy „Salut“ is already in Lucas‘ ear.

Lucas turns, his face impassable until he realizes exactly _who_ is standing right next to him. His eyes widen and his entire mind goes into defense mode. He‘s still disappointed, angry and most of all, Lucas is still hurt. So when Eliott asks him if they can talk for five minutes and Lucas‘ defensive self places an arm around Cloé's shoulders and challenges Eliott to say it right out, Martino knows that he‘s just trying to protect himself. He is trying not to let Eliott see precisely _how_ hurt he was about having been stood up yesterday. Doesn't want Eliott to think that he's got any stake in this at all. 

„Bella merda. Lucas doesn‘t know. He doesn‘t know and I don‘t think I want to see him say anything wrong I—" but before Marti can finish his sentence Eliott is already speaking, has already swallowed his fear and found the bravery to say what he came to say.

 

„Okay.. I wanted to apologize for yesterday.“

 

There is so much sincerity in his tone and expression. Martino can feel Lucas‘ entire resolve crumble to dust. He was _not_ expecting Eliott to approach him with genuinity and kindness, and it is completely disarming. Lucas’ hand, holding on tightly to Cloé’s coat, feels stiff and wrong and in turn makes him feel like a complete idiot for having, once again, acted out on a flight impulse. „I really wanted to come but I had a problem.“

Marti‘s heart tightens with how much he wants to protect Eliott. A quick look into Isak‘s eyes confirms that the Norwegian feels the same way. It took tremendous courage. Marti couldn‘t decide whether he was overwhelmed with pride, because in this universe, too, Nico was fighting against his darkness not giving up, trying hard, or sadness, because all Nicos had to fight in the first place, and for the smallest things. Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning was a struggle. Marti knew by now.

„So, to make amends, how do you feel about coming to my place tomorrow?“ 

„Ahh, Lucas you absolute idiot. You absolute fool.“ Isak huffs, but there‘s no weight behind his words. „He hates himself right about now.“

Marti thinks that more than hate, what Lucas feels is guilt. For not having given Eliott the chance to talk to him alone. To explain. For having jumped to conclusions. For having dragged Cloé back into his pathetic fake life again. But Lucas had acted before he gave himself the chance to ponder, before he thought about possible consequences, things just kept happening. And looking into Eliott's eyes Lucas can see that he is genuine. Henuine and somehow not well, somehow not okay. Lucas wishes he could ask Eliott what happened, but this is not the time or place. But no, there is no sight of fakeness in Eliott and Lucas wants to slap himself.

Eliott‘s eyes are an impossible shade of blue and it‘s as if he‘s seeing right into Lucas and right through his façade with Cloé - he is, he _must_ be - and. Well.. for all of this? Lucas was not ready. Marti looks at him, can feel his insides overturning as he realizes that his entire reading of Eliott's absence yesterday had been wrong. It now dawns on him that he has never thought about what he would do in a case like this, and thus never mentally prepared himself for any scenario other than Eliott having played him and stood him up because he wasn‘t interested, because he didn‘t care. Lucas didn't know how to counter _this_ Eliott, this force of nature that turned his resolve into a puddle.

„Joints, beers.. You get to choose the music.“ Eliott‘s beautiful, open smile - meant only for _him_ \- blindsides Lucas entirely. His walls have fallen and it shows, Marti thinks, it shows in his big, blue eyes and his own secretly answering smile at the mention of last Friday.

"Ah, that's too bad, we already had an evening planned just for the two of us, but we could make it a double date! I've met your girlfriend, she's nice, Lucille right?"

"Yeah.."

"Let's do a double date then! At yours?"

Eliott huffs. Maybe he can't believe that he's about to say yes to this ludicrous idea. And maybe he feels a bit surprised that Lucas is going to let it get this far. That Lucas is playing this role so stubbornly. "Okay.." Eliott says eventually, sounding almost surprised that he just heard himself agree to it.

"Oh great, it will be awesome!"

"He looks tired. Don't you think?" Isak asks Marti in a low voice. "He looks like he hasn't slept. This is what Even looks like sometimes, too. I know these dark circles." Isak's voice is cautious at the mention of Even, his tone serene. Martino looks at Eliott's face and thinks that Isak is probably right, that Eliott must have had a difficult day yesterday. And that mostly included a difficult following night. Martino thinks of Nico's dark circles, remembers kissing them whenever Nico would be too tired to sleep, remembers carressing Nico's features with his fingers, with softest brushes along the artful lines of his eyes, and the dark shadows underneath them, and his cheekbones, his lips.. Marti has to stop thinking about this. Now. His fingertips are itching with how much he wishes he could touch Nico again.

What's weird is that his body feels like all he needs to do is reach out his hand. But that is ridiculous. Nico isn't here. Marti would have to travel through time and space to find him. Marti shakes off this odd idea.

  
Eliott walks away and Lucas, Marti and Isak watch him leave without turning around. Lucas' eyes are drawn after his receding figure in the distance for a long moment.

"It's impossible to ignore." Isak says after a while. "The impact of Even. Or Eliott, it doesn't mattter. It's impossible to ignore. He won't be able to escape. It has just hit him."

Marti nods in agreement. They start walking toward the exit of the school, Cloé taking Lucas' hand in hers, talking excitedly about their plans for the double date. Marti thinks that Lucas' life is complicated - maybe more complicated than his own had been at the time - and that, probably, being forced to confront his sexuality just did not come at a good time for him. But does it ever?

Martino never had such struggles with it. Not after he met Niccolò. Somehow, Marti felt like everything just.. fell into place afterward. But Marti also had Gio. He doesn't think it would have been as easy if he hadn't felt like Gio had his back, always, regardless of the circumstances. Marti's insides shiver with how much he misses Gio right in this moment. Where was Lucas' own Gio? 

"Did you see how Eliott just undid his entire resolve again?" Isak continues, apparently going through a few thoughts of his own. Marti nods. He doesn't say anything, though, feeling that Isak has more to share. "I think I was the same. I must have been. I didn't really.. know who I was, either. Or I didn't like the person I pretended to be half the time, you know? But I was also scared of the weak person that I thought I would be, I didn‘t know then—"

"You mean that now, at least you are yourself, even if it all goes to shit?"

Isak looks at Marti, considering the words. They are walking a few feet behind Lucas and Cloé, not even listening to her chatter anymore. "That's exactly it, Marti. But I don't think Lucas knows who he is when he's not repressing that part of himsef. I don't think he ever got to find out what is underneath all the lies and the hiding and pretense, the façade, you know? Every time he sees Eliott, it all rearranges inside of him. I can feel it, even now, how the different parts of him are struggling for control."

Martino can feel them too, a turmoil in constant movement. "But what about all the times he's let Eliott in? It all felt genuine to me, Isak. It doesn't feel like he doesn't know who he is. I just think that he's gotten too used to hiding." 

As soon as Marti says the words, it's like Lucas' heart suddenly weighs double, as if it's drowning inside of him, losing its grip. What is going on inside that boy? Never a quiet minute.

"He doesn't think it's possible.." Isak mumbles, eyes squeezed in concentration. "He doesn't see how he could ever have the kind of love he can only wish for, dream about. He's never allowed himself to even think about it. He just always assumed that he won't ever be able to live that kind of affection and intimacy, ever. You know? Nothing like in the movies is ever meant to happen to him. God, if that wasn't me, then I don't know.." Isak ends his observation with a sigh.

Marti looks at his Norwegian alter ego and feels.. pride. He's proud of the kind of insight this boy is capable of, he's proud of the kind of growth he so obviously went trough. There's more to this boy than his jokster cockiness and undying love and devotion for another boy. This boy felt true to Marti, in a world of inauthenticity and masquerading, this boy was himself entirely.

Marti smiled. "He'll get there. And if Lucas becomes half the person you are, he's done well for himself."

Isak looks back at Marti, laughs a little and adds: "Look at you. You've not done too badly yourself, either, signore Martino." His voice is kind with affection. However, Marti knows he won't be able to leave it at that.

 

"You're right, though. I _am_ amazing." 

 

"Yup, ruined the moment."


	7. Friday, February 15th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „Eliott didn‘t pass his BAC last year.“
> 
>  
> 
> And there it was, the old, familiar feeling of having been exposed against your will, of having been put to shame in front of someone you just really wanted to like you, but your past - your life, your fucking self - won‘t let you in peace.

**Friday, February 15th**

**19:45**

 

„Eliott didn‘t pass his BAC last year.“

 

And there it was, the old, familiar feeling of having been exposed against your will, of having been put to shame in front of someone you just really wanted to like you, but your past - your life, your fucking self -  won‘t let you in peace. Always just around the corner, always there to grab and pull you to the ground, and you‘re never just... free. You‘re always reminded of your mistakes. You‘re always going to be your mental illness and all the consequences that follow from it. You‘re never just a person like everybody else.

More than anything: you can never decide for yourself. There‘s always going to be someone there to make decisions for you - your mother, your father, your girlfriend, your therapist - there‘s always someone who knows better. And sometimes, it felt like your life was just a sequence of decisions made for you, situations arranged on your behalf, solutions others had to construct because you weren‘t able to. Because you weren‘t trusted to do so. 

 

„I didn‘t fail, I just didn‘t take them.“

Nico could feel Eliott‘s shame at having the topic brought up. Why did she have to bring it up when Lucas was there? Eliott was trying so hard to connect with Lucas, he didn‘t want to push him away. He didn‘t want to seem like the nauseatingly complicated and fucked up person that he was. There was no reason to do this now.

Nico could relate so much. Too much.

„Eliott, don‘t you think you have had enough to drink?“

As soon as Lucille had said it, Even and Nico both groaned dramatically, Nico even took a step back and turned around from the entire scene. He was angry and sad, this evening was like a punch in the gut. He felt like he was sitting in a theatre adaptation of his own past, and sometimes, seeing something mirrored back at you made you understand things more clearly than when you‘re inside of it. Nico, and he felt that Even too, had had these sort of discussions far too often. „Don‘t you think you‘ve talked enough, Lucille? Do you think I need you? I may not have done my BAC but I can still count. This is my second.“

Nico feels oddly proud at how sassy Eliott is, how quick to fire back. But it‘s a bitter and an ugly kind of pride. „He was too harsh.. She meant well. They always did mean well..“ Even says calmly. „I‘m hoping that I can think like that in time, too, Even. I really hope so. But right now? Right now this situation is way, way too familiar to me. I‘m sorry if I‘m too emotional about it, I guess I might be more like you in two years time, but now I‘m still so—“

„Never apologize for feeling how you feel.“ Even says quickly and with such determination that Nico instinctively turns to look at him.

Nico looks at Even for only a short moment before he turns back just in time to see Cloé stand up and leave the living room. She is going after Lucille, who left the room just seconds before. It‘s an ugly and an awkward scene and Eliott feels ashamed and exposed and put on the spot.

„I‘m sorry,“ he admits to Lucas, „you shouldn‘t have had to see that.“

Nico‘s heart feels heavy. Or is it Eliott‘s?

 

„I just imagined this evening to go a little differently.“

„How did you imagine it to go?“

 

Even let out a wheezing noise. Nico looks at him, surprised, but he has no time to ask, too distracted by the courage Eliott just collected within himself to give Lucas an answer.

„I just thought it would be the two of us.. Didn‘t you?“

For a seemingly infinite, excruciating moment, Eliott feels as if he was hanging in the air, floating, with nothing to catch him if he fell. Nothing to soften the hurt if Lucas rejects him now. But of course Lucas does not. Nico smiles as he watches the boy visibly gather himself, finding the courage he needs to say yes. And when a shy smile appears on his face, Eliott‘s impulse decision is right there. He would not wait around and pretend any longer. He would not play this stupid game for even a second more, he was sick of it. Even and Nico smile, both of them swelling with pride and approval. They both know what is about to happen next, and oh, what a beauty of an escape it is, too.

Nico still thinks that the decision to take Marti on his bike and ride down Via della Conciliazione was one of his most glorious, most romantic moments. But Eliott and Lucas running down the streets of Paris together between fits of laughter and joy is beautiful on its own.

While Eliott is opening the lock to what seems to be a gated park or forest, Nico realizes that Even has been awfully and unusually quiet throughout the entire ordeal. He turns to look up at the tall Norwegian, trying to read his expression but it wouldn‘t give. The vibes Nico gathers from Even were thoughtful, contemplating, but also tinted with a kind of boiling excitement. Nico decides he is too caught up in his own emotional rollercoaster and too immersed in Eliott‘s emotions to have the presence of mind to now also understand Even by instinct, so he gives up and decides to just _ask_ him.

 

„What are you thinking, Even?“

Even looks at him, eyes big and blue and warm and when he smiles, they crinkle at the sides. Yes, definitely excited. „I‘m thinking that Eliott is too determined, too fixated on this to happen, too sure in where he‘s leading them. He‘s got it all in his head. And I can see snippets of images, can‘t you?“

Nico is surprised. „No?“

„It‘s— you‘ll see.“

„Oh so I‘m not allowed to have all the information now? Great. Wonderful. How fair.“

Even snickers as they follow Eliott and Lucas through the woods.

 

„This is my refuge. This is where I come when I want to be alone..“ they hear Eliott say, but before Nico has time to roll his eyes Even gasps dramatically next to him. „You bring people to where you want to be alone?“

„Well, right now is special. I don‘t usually bring anyone here. You‘re the first.“

 

Even gasps again and this time brings up his hands over his mouth. „Okay, what is it?“ Nico says, hoping that his tone will carry enough annoyance to let Even know that he‘s had it with the withheld information now. „Not even Lucille?“ Lucas asks, but Nico is still looking at Even whose reactions are making him impatient. Nico hates not knowing what‘s going on.

„You‘re the first.“ Eliott confirms and Even makes another wheezing sound and „Yeah okay that‘s it, tell me what is—„

„He‘s recreating Polaris, is what it is!“ Even says excitedly, his eyes shining so bright that even in the darkness of the night, Nico thinks he can see the blue orbs lit up with emotion and pride. „He‘s recreating a movie and not just any movie, do you understand what this _means?_ I can‘t bloody believe it, this is.. A masterpiece. And the lines, the perfect rom-com lines from before, I‘m.. This is what we deserve.“

Nico decides that now is the time to roll his eyes. And he doesn‘t care if Even doesn‘t even see it. He just doesn‘t fully understand the appeal. „Okay, so what?“

„So what? He‘s directing his own life. It‘s not just.. It‘s everything. Aren‘t you convinced that if you just  believe in something enough, you can make it happen? That nothing is impossible?“

Nico stops walking. Even notices and turns around to look at him, a smile on his face. "That you can decide for yourself?"

 

Finally, after a long, silent moment, Nico smiles.

 

* * *

 

**Friday, February 15th**

**20:27**

 

As soon as Lucas realizes where they were, where Eliott had brought him, what significance this place had for him, his heart is seized by the most incredible feeling — the most hopeful kind of longing.

Martino would call it falling in love. But he doesn‘t say it. Isak doesn‘t need to hear it, either. They‘ve both understood the significance as soon as Lucas did. Martino wasn‘t entirely certain whether he understood the full spectrum of the moment, not the way Isak did. There was a deeper recognition within Isak than Marti could find inside of himself. He is missing something here.

 

„Come!“ Eliott calls out.

When Lucas is still a little too overcome with feeling to move properly, Eliott comes closer, takes his hand and pulls him into the dark.

Isak runs after them, excited. Martino walks slower, tries to take it all in. To wrap his mind around Lucas‘ heart.

Lucas‘ chest feels tight, his breathing goes fast, and as Eliott circles him with his flashlight, coming closer one moment to pull away the next, his eyes try to follow the source of light in the dark, try to keep up with half lit images of Eliott‘s face appearing here and there.

Lucas gets whiffs of Eliott‘s scent whenever he‘s close enough, whenever Lucas‘ is turned toward him in just the right angle. Eliott‘s gentle, smooth voice is surrounding him from all sides. There are hints of Eliott in the air, everywhere and nowhere all at once.

„Are you scared?“ Eliott seems to have stilled a few feet away. „Not scared. In fact, I‘m not scared at all.“ Lucas forgets everything that‘s not here with them, that‘s not _them_. He takes slow, sure steps toward the other boy.

 

Martino thinks he can almost hear the music of the Polaris project video playing in Lucas‘ mind. He has watched it enough times to know it by heart by know. He thinks that it’s possible, that there might be just the hint of the ephemeral melody in the back of their minds.

The two boys keep dancing around each other, though it is mostly Eliott leading Lucas, teasing him, a trickster taking advantage of the fact that he‘s the only one holding a light here. But if Eliott is anything like Nico, he‘ll give in very soon. He won‘t be able to resist much longer. Marti smiles, his mind invaded by memories of Nico‘s hunger for him in the pool. _Spogliati_. Marti‘s heart had felt so light, relieved from a weight that it had been carrying all his life. Kissing Nico for the first time had freed him, from the fear of a life in which he‘d never find this kind of connection, that Marti would never be able to love and be loved in this way. That he‘d never be kissed in this way.

„Marti, what are you doing?“ Isak‘s voice sounds low and cautious next to him. „Your feelings, they‘re—"

But Marti‘s heart can‘t stop, triggered by Lucas‘ feelings, by this entire evening, Marti‘s heart is back in Rome, living again the memory of riding on the back of Nico‘s bike, leaving St. Peter‘s behind them as Marti trows away the mask he had been holding on to for too long already. Eliott‘s teasing disappearances in the dark bring back parts of Niccolò, hiding from him at Halloween, and he‘s present, somehow. Marti feels that he‘s here with him. It feels ridiculous and impossible and beautiful all at once.

Isak places both his hands on Marti‘s shoulders, stands in front of him and looks him in the eyes. Martino looks back at him but he doesn’t _see him_ and once he realizes that, and that he can‘t bring his focus back, Martino closes his eyes and lets go, gives in.

 

_Ma, non puoi toccarmi.._

_Come vuoi._

 

Marti can see the shy look in Nico‘s eyes, can see his lips settle into that adorable, beautiful dimpled smile and the fluttering feeling within him intensifies. Does Nico really think that Marti won‘t let him touch? Is he crazy?

_Uno. Due. Tre._

As soon as they are back under water, Marti opens his eyes to see. Nico has raised his hands, accepting the challenge. Marti‘s heart flutters with such force that it almost feels like it is pulling him up. He uses his hands and arms to counter the floating force and doesn‘t waste more time than necessary. He wants Nico back in his space, wants Nico‘s lips on his. Marti takes what he wants. The second Nico realizes Marti‘s challenge is obliterated, his hands come up and find their rightful place at the nape of Marti‘s neck, on the side of his face.

As soon as they‘ve come up to the surface, their lungs filling with air, Martino can‘t help himself. He‘s beaming,  he knows he is. His cheeks hurt, that‘s how much he‘s smiling. Nico looks at him with awe, gives him a quick, beautiful smile in return and closes the distance between them. Marti never wants there to be distance again. 

Nico kisses him with a hunger that disarms Martino. Marti gets lost in the sensation of Nico‘s lips, the slow, languid movements undoing him, triggering a shiver that runs through Marti‘s entire spine. Marti cups Nico‘s face with his hand and keeps him close.

 

„Marti!“

 

It‘s Isak‘s voice that shakes him out of it again. „Marti!“

 

„Yes, yes, I‘m here..“ Marti says, his voice sounding raspy from neglect, his throat feels dry. „Sorry..“

„What was that?“ Isak asks, and Marti detects real worry in his tone. Oh. He didn‘t mean to scare him.

Marti shakes his head. Then he remembers where they are and turns his head, looking for Lucas. „Where—"

But he knows the answer before he finishes the question. He turns to look to the entrance of the tunnel. Sure enough, there they are, Eliott and Lucas, embracing each other in the pouring rain. Marti just turned his head in time to see them both look up to the sky, letting the water wash over them. Marti can tell that Eliott is smiling with full force, even from this distance. They sway back and forth for a split second before Lucas‘ entire chest is flooded with relief, release, freedom. He sways and falls into Eliott, who embraces him like they‘ve been doing this for their entire lives. They fit into each other like they‘ve known how to, like they‘re not just doing this for the first time but are just finding back to each other, just recognizing each other. Like they belong.

Marti understands that the realization, which takes hold of him now, is both Lucas‘ and his own. There‘s no turning back. There‘s no denying this anymore. Any moments at all in which Lucas tried to convince himself that he could just live a regular life, find a girl and pretend all these feelings and desires, this entire part of himself, did not exist, were obliterated this very second. Maybe they were obliterated the moment he saw Eliott, but he needed to come to terms with Eliott‘s impact on his life. On his entire being.

„Marti, come. Let‘s go.“ Isak squeezes his shoulder, now apparently convinced that Marti‘s fine again. That he‘s present. Marti nods, still feeling torn open, as if he was walking around after just having had open heart surgery, the hole still wide open and for everyone to see. Except, of course, no one could. Because Marti isn’t even really here. 

And Nico isn’t here either, even though Marti could have sworn they had just been together. Traces, he thinks, and brings his right hand up to touch his own lips. He thinks he still feels traces of Nico‘s movements against him. Marti presses his fingers softly against the spot where just a moment ago he felt Nico pressed close.

 

„I‘m going to ask you one more time, okay?“ Isak looks at him as they walk toward Lucas and Eliott. „What happened?“

Marti sighs. „I don‘t know. I guess I was.. Remembering? And it was so real, I can‘t really describe it but it was as if I was back there with Nico.“

Saying Nico‘s name out loud filled Marti with a calmness he didn‘t expect he could feel right then. „Nico was with me.“

He smiles as the calm feeling spreads further inside him, grounding him. It‘s difficult, Marti thinks, to find something grounding when you‘re an immaterial spirit on visit in a parallel universe. Marti quickly looks at Isak, who seems to be satisfied with the answer and nods understandingly.

„It‘s Lucas‘ feelings. I guess I shouldn‘t be surprised that this can happen. It was..“

Marti nods, absolutely understanding the difficulty to put this experience into words. To describe it in a way that didn‘t make the words sound shallow and weak. Maybe there just are no words that fit.

„Are you okay? So this didn‘t happen to you, too?“

Isak slowly shakes his head. „I think I was too worried about you there for a second.“ He smiles. „But I also couldn‘t stop laughing for a while. I guess you missed a lot of it, but Eliott and Lucas just recreated Eliott‘s Polaris story. It took me a moment to collect myself and to wrap my mind around the crazy idea that someone really went and outdid Even. He would have lost his shit.“ Isak‘s face lights up with the most wonderful smile, as it usually did when he spoke about Even.

 

Marti's heart feels warm with love for his boys, all of them. He doesn’t want to think about the rest of the week. About the next few weeks, in fact.

All he wants was to suck in Lucas' beautiful feelings right now and bask in them, dive head first into the beauty that he knows this weekend will be for Lucas and Eliott.

 

Everything else can wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was for my nicotino heart


	8. Saturday, February 16th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samedi, 9:17
> 
> <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that it took me so long, but also.. I wasn't able to wrap my mind around Samedi 9:17.. I don't think I'll ever be able to.. 
> 
> the sheer beauty of that clip paralyzed me, I didn't know how to move on.. how to write.. 
> 
> how do you write Samedi 9:17 from a perspective that's neither Lucas' nor Eliotts?  
> Well the answer is simple. You don't.

 

**Saturday, February 16th**

**9:17**

 

 

Falling in and out of sleep lazily, even half asleep Lucas keeps his hands connected to Eliott's skin.

He has to feel him.

He doesn't want to let a second go to waste without touching. Without feeling connected. It's as if now that they've left the barriers behind, now that they've finally found each other, Lucas can't for the life of him go back anymore. He's aching, his entire body is actually aching with how much he wants to touch and be touched by this boy. This beautiful, intelligent and funny creature. This wonderful dream.

Lucas lets his hands roam, he lets them do as they please. He tries not to think anymore. And not having to think, just being able to act on feeling and instinct and desire alone, is a freedom he never thought he would be lucky enough to get a taste of.

Eliott's hand finds its place on the nape of Lucas' neck, carressing him, making shivers go up and down his spine when he starts to move his touch in the rhythm of their lips. It is driving Lucas mad. How much he wants Eliott. How much he is even capable of wanting another person. How someone like Eliott even exists.

The fingers of Lucas' left hand close around Eliott's defined upper arm. Eliott feels solid, warm and perfect. Lucas lets his right hand slide from Eliott's wrist to his elbow, up his arm and past his shoulder, always feeling, trailing, learning. Eventually it finds its place at the side of Eliott's neck, thumb carressing his ear in passing, his fingers and his palm never leaving Eliott's skin, settling at the nape of his neck.

 

He slides his fingers through strands of softest hair.

It's addicting. He wants to keep doing it over and over, like he wants Eliott to keep kissing him like he does, until Lucas forgets anything else even exists.

They keep kissing, having found their various rhythms and somehow always in sync, always moving in just the right ways, sometimes in slow and languid, long and lingering movements, sometimes faster, more urgent, more demanding. Eliott deepens the kiss now, and Lucas' hand moves back to take hold of the hair at the back of his head. This boy was made for him, there's no other explanation. It's like the universe made a list of all the things that would make Lucas weak, everything he'd melt over and be attracted to and sacrifice his entire soul to, willingly, and molded it all into one being and presented him with Eliott. It's dangerous, really.

 

Everything about this boy makes him crazy. Makes him want him more. Makes his heart skip a beat every time he realizes that, right now, he is just.. allowed to touch him. He is allowed to hold him close and kiss him.. Lucas' mind can’t wrap itself around this idea, it feels surreal, still.

Lucas loves it when his thumb passes over Eliott's ear and tugs at it a little. When he feels it flap back. He's doing this. He can do things like these now. He can just open his mouth and let Eliott devour him. He can just move his face closer to Eliott's and he will take the invitation and kiss him. He can breathe in Eliott's hypnotising scent, with every breath he takes his lungs can fill with the same air Eliott breathes. Eliott, right next to him.

Lucas has to stop thinking about these things or his heart might burst.

His hand has found its way down Eliott's chest - his beautifully hard, flat chest - to Eliott's waist. Lucas just lets himself feel. He keeps his eyes closed and slides his hand along the lines of Eliott's body, learning his shape, learning him by heart. Lucas doesn't try to control his hands, feels free now. This is it, he thinks every now and then. This is the most me I'll ever be.

If there's a thought that creeps up on him, if there's a voice within him that mumbles - _you're gay, Lucas, you're so gay_ \- he swallows it with Eliott's next kiss. 

Was he gay - for Eliott? Yes. Anything for Eliott. Everything for Eliott.

When Eliott lets out a low moan Lucas almost loses his mind. It might have been the hottest thing he's ever heard in his life. His brain is never going to be the same again. Combined with the way Eliott's hand slides around and pulls Lucas' waist in, his insistent mouth sending low buzzing tremors of pleasure through his nerves, this boy all but overpowers Lucas' senses. His heart just beats faster and faster. A surging wave of warmth spreads through him as he clings to Eliott. This boy is evoking sensations in him he never knew he was capable of. 

Lucas can't help but pull Eliott toward himself at his waist, can't help but want him closer, always closer. He tugs at him just to feel him give in and follow, just to experience Eliott complying like he does, answering Lucas' movements with his own, pulling Lucas toward him in turn. They move like the tide, effortless and entirely in their element as they rise and fall and push and pull, the same electric current running through both their bodies.

Eliott's rhythm is as steady as his own, and perhaps that is why Lucas feels so soothed here. As if the irresistible pull he feels, Eliott can feel, too. Lucas feels safe in here, as if he could share anything with this boy. He wants to know everything there is to know about Eliott. He wants Eliott to know him, like no one else knows him. He wants Eliott to know the real Lucas. He wants Eliott to want him. He wants Eliott..

Sometimes Lucas thinks that his hands are traitors, that his own smile shows too much feeling, but his heart is so free, is so light, and Eliott's answering smiles are so open, his own hands so responsive, that Lucas feels caught in the fall. He feels so free in the fall.

 

It's okay to do so, because they're falling together.

 

And so they tell each other they're each other's firsts. It sparks another wave of desire and want and affection and - most of all - belonging in both of them and sets them off into another spell in which they consume each other. Lucas feels Eliott's arms and hands and legs against his entire body and he wants to melt into him, wants to attach himself along Eliott's body and never be moved from him again. All he can do is close his eyes, feel the shiver of desire go through him, from his endlessly smiling cheeks to his neck and shoulders, to his lower back and spine. Lucas can feel his own desire for Eliott making him hard. He doesn't itch for release, though, is happy and intoxicated by the tension, by the way they keep each other on edge, electrified by every contact, every kiss like a whisper.

 

_I want you._

_You feel so good._

 

Their lips keep finding each other in kisses, tongues sliding together every now and then, bidding and granting entrance.

But this morning, not like last night, they are less demanding, less pressing. This morning it feels like they have all the time in the world to learn each other, to learn how to breathe in each other's space like this and not combust from _purest feeling._

 

_Consume me._

 

* * *

 

 

"What did you think to yourself, the first time you saw me at the foyer?" Lucas whispers into the protected space of their bubble.

 

"I thought yes, this one is certainly afraid of the dark."

 

"I'm not afraid of the dark, putain!" Lucas huffs, smiling, as Eliott laughs beautifully underneath him, his fingers brushing through Lucas' hair, his impossible blue eyes looking up at him, turning Lucas' heart to mush. Lucas tries to memorize the way Eliott's eyes change shape when he smiles genuinely. How his eyes are the kindest Lucas has ever known. How he hasn't experienced a more beautiful sight in his life. He wants to extract all of this new knowledge, wants to place it in a vial and keep it safe. 

Marti wishes that he could.

He thinks that Lucas is going to need this memory, just to pull through. It will hurt to remember. Marti closes his eyes and breathes. It will hurt to remember, but not remembering would mean erasing it, and that would be impossible. Marti knows, because Marti remembers. He can feel it within Isak, too. They all left their hearts with Even, Nico and Eliott from that day onward.

"The first time I saw you wasn't in the foyer." Lucas' hand, twisted deep inside Eliott's wild mane, comes to a halt. "It was in the hall, the first day I arrived."

Eliott's eyes are kind and open. He's letting Lucas in. Eliott lets his fingers brush through the long strands of hair on Lucas' forehead, soft like the touch of a feather, as the other boy looks down on him, mesmerized. "I can't believe Eliott would already tell him that. That's crazy. Even didn't tell me until way later.." Isak mumbles, and Marti turns to look at him. "What? It's the same for Even?"

"Yes, why when did Nico tell you?" 

Marti's heart skips a beat. 

"Nico did tell you, didn't he?" Isak asks slowly, realization spreading over his face. "Oh no, Marti.. I didn‘t mean to spoil anything, I mean.. I didn‘t mean to take that away from you..“

"You think.. you think he saw me before the radio meeting?"

Isak smiles, then nods. "He saw you on the first day of school. He must have.“ Marti can't breathe.

 

"I didn't know anyone and I walked past you, you were with your friends. You didn't see me..?"

 

Lucas shakes his head slowly. His heart is cautiously accepting this new information, rerranging some of its parts and eventually growing in size to make room for it. Martino's heart does the same as he tries to collect himself, tries to breathe. There are so many things he wants - he needs - to ask Nico, as soon as he gets back to him.

"Well, me.. I saw you.."

Lucas looks into Eliott's eyes and gets lost in them, the corners of Eliott's lips turned upward in the most gentle expression and Lucas is gone.

 

"You were all I saw, actually."

 

Entirely gone for him.

He doesn't think that he can express himself in words exactly. They understand each other silently, too, through touches and looks, through smiles and kisses. Lucas turns and Eliott lies down on his back and somehow he fits there, perfectly. Lucas' body aches with thoughts of _you belong with me_ , relentlessly. Martino can hear it like a mantra chanted in the back of Lucas‘ head. He smiles because he recognizes it by its essence alone, no need for translation. He knows what this feels like. They all do.

Lucas is curious and Lucas is courageous. He thinks that he doesn't need to be, he thinks it's effortless at this point. There is no resistance, no fear of rejection. Lucas has never felt this way before in his life. Not even the thought that he might be falling way too fast way too much holds him back - not even the thought that he probably _should_ be scared, scares him. Marti and Isak both feel proud for Lucas. For opening himself up like he does. For taking a leap of faith. 

"What would you have done if I hadn't come to the meeting? Or if I had taken the earlier bus, or the later?" He whispers, still entranced by Eliott's kisses along the plane of his back, Eliott's body pressed against him. "Perhaps we would never have met." Eliott is drawing feather light circles into the skin at Lucas' shoulder blades.

Marti doesn't think Isak and him should be looking. Doesn't think they should be listening. He doesn't think he'll be able to, for much longer, anyway. It is simply too much.

 

"I admit, it's scary."

 

"But in the end it happened, so.."

 

Lucas can hear Eliott exhale with a sigh, can feel his breath ghost across the skin at his neck. It's warm and familiar. Eliott lies his head down softly on Lucas' back. Lucas thinks this might be heaven.

"You know, when I have a choice to make, I always tell myself that there are two paths I could take. I end up taking one because I have to make a choice at the time.."

Eliott perks up, places his chin gingerly on Lucas' back. Lucas can feel Eliott tracing the moles on his back with his fingertips, circling them tenderly, connecting one to the other as he speaks. "..but I will never know what I missed by not taking the other one. It drives me crazy." Then Eliott lies back down again, seemingly willing himself to rest.

Marti thinks about Eliott. About the myriad of confusing, overwhelming emotions that he will have to deal with. Already does.  

"And now, don't you feel like you took the right path?" 

Marti feels Lucas' sudden doubt, his sudden insecurity at not having been Eliott's first choice.

„Funny, isn’t it?” Isak comments quietly. “How they both need each other so much, both of them. But they’ll keep thinking that the other doesn’t need them in the same way.. God, it really is weird to have come back to this moment.  It’s the same, and still, it’s all different.”

Marti lets Isak’s words sink in. He doesn’t need to answer. Isak knows how he feels. Isak knows he agrees. For Lucas, the magic of the last few hours with Eliott is still so overpowering, that Lucas manages to just push this surge of insecurity away for the time being, once Eliott replies.

Eliott huffs, a little enchanted and a little surprised at Lucas' question. "But yes, of course I do, yes.." he reassures him, snuggling into his back. Marti can see the way he looks toward Lucas' now, can see the vulnerability written in his eyes, as well as the absolute adoration for Lucas.

Marti thinks he's not supposed to see this. Lucas can't see this. Marti shouldn't be intruding like this, Isak shouldn't be looking, none of them should be here, somehow, and still.. having seen just that tiny moment right there made Marti's heart swell with an incredible warmth, and he thinks it was entirely worth it.

"Me, when I have a choice to make, I tell myself there are all the other Lucases, in all the other parallel universes, who took the other path.." Isak and Marti gasp, collectively holding their breath. "..so between all of the Lucases of all the universes, we will try everything." 

Marti and Isak look at each other. Can Lucas remember them, after all?

"What are they doing right now, these other Lucases?" Eliott's smile can be heard in his voice. His fingertups are trailing paths of nonsense on Lucas' back, still. Marti and Isak are shell shocked.

 

"You mean right now?"

 

"Mhm.."

 

"Marti, oh my god, Marti! Do you-- do you think he can-- Lucas? Can you see us?" Isak all but wheezes, suddenly excited and hyper, fidgeting with his hands. “Lucas! Oh my God!”

Marti rolls his eyes, knowing the answer to Isak‘s question even before Lucas continues. 

"Well, now there is a very very muscular Lucas who's surfing on a huge wave in Bali.."

Eliott huffs a laugh, "Okay.." Isak also huffs, but he's less amused. 

"Okay, yeah, I guess I got too excited there too fast. Fy faen. I really thought.." Isak smiles, however, having calmed down already. "Well, if it's any consolation, I do think he remembers us. This idea wouldn't just pop up in his head without good reason.." Marti tries to comfort Isak a little, hopes that it's working, but isn't sure why he would need it to work. They _know_ , they have talked about this. Lucas has to go through this himself. They can't..

"And there's another, in a skyscraper in New York, signing a million Euro contract, with some very upset Russians."

Isak crouches down on the floor next to the bed, rolling his eyes, grinning despite himself. "Of course." Marti grins, too.

"How do you know that your businessman Lucas isn't at the top of the building, ready to jump into the void? Like.. a huge burn-out.."

 

"But that's horrible."

 

"That's dark.." Isak mumbles, the smile already completely disappeared from his face. His eyes find a spot in front of him to stare holes into. Marti senses that there‘s something in Isak, a weight, a thought maybe, pulling him down. Pulling them both down.

 

"You never think about it?"

 

"I admit, I don't really believe in all that." "Well, you're wrong. Because there are many other Lucases and many other Eliotts, in other parallel universes, who are together right now." Eliott smiles, but doesn't reply. Marti hears Isak take in a deep breath.

Martino thinks that it's okay, the way Isak can connect and understand Lucas in ways that Marti cannot. It's alright if there are some things they might share that he doesn't. He shares some things with Isak that Lucas won't understand, either, they do that between the three of them. But sometimes, and now is one of those times, Marti feels like he's being withheld information that could potentially tell him more about Nico and himself, too. But the heavy feeling that has settled inside Isak demands Marti to be quiet, not to ask any questions right now. To let Isak handle some of his own thoughts and feelings, in his own time..

 

Eliott's phone buzzes. Of course it's Lucille. Marti sighs at the slow and crouching way reality is knocking at their door.

"You know what? Eliott number 452 can go talk to her. Me, I'm going to stay right here."

 

"Oh yeah?"

 

"Mhm."

 

"Well, Lucas number one is _very_ happy about this decision."

 

Isak huffs. "More like Isak number three."

Marti rolls his eyes but smiles nevertheless, happy that Isak was able to lift a little of that weight from just before. There are questions he wants to ask Isak, too. But they‘ll have to wait, he decides.

 

* * *

 

 

Marti lies down on the floor next to the window, unable to look at them anymore. It's too much. He feels like he's intruding. Feeling the ground hard and sure underneath him, Marti feels earthed. Feels rooted. Less like a floating presence made up of feelings and memories and thoughts.

Marti realizes that he's glad that his connection to Lucas is purely spiritual. If he had to also feel - physically feel - everything Lucas does, Marti would have lost his mind long ago. He wouldn't be able to go through this entire ordeal, feeling touched without being touched, feeling another's skin while he has to endure the absence of Nico. No, Marti thinks. That would have been insufferable. Not even the universe is capable of such cruelty.

Marti turns his head toward the window ever so slightly, can see the sunlight against his closed eyelids but doesn't feel its warmth.

 

When he opens his eyes, his heart stops.

 

There's Nico, lying right next to him, looking at him.

 

Marti doesn't dare move. He doesn't dare speak, either, barely allows his lungs to breathe. He's not sure how his brain managed to conjure up a perfect replica of Nico's image but there it is. The way Nico is looking at him makes Martino feel like he himself is a dream image, too. Nico is just taking him in, not trying to communicate at all. It's just an image, Marti reminds himself. Just his memories projected back at him, his heart trying to soothe itself, trying to cope with Nico‘s absence, with how much Marti misses him. Trying to cope with having to feel everything again, somehow, through Lucas.

So Marti allows himself to look. His eyes roam over Nico's beautiful curls, resting against the ground, framing his face. Marti's fingers itch to reach out and touch. But he doesn't want to break this dream. If only he could stop time, if only he could stop everything from moving on, then Nico would just stay right here with him.

Marti takes in Nico's eyes, the beautiful, dark green shade made lighter by the morning sun.. and he thinks how strange that is, in fact. How his mind came up with such tremendous detail to even imagine the way the surroundings would interact with Nico's appearance.

 

Too strange. Too specific.

 

And suddenly Marti is more than awake. He doesn't trust himself. He doesn't trust this world. He doesn't know it, doesn't know how it would play with him, maybe it was more cruel than he thought, maybe he was losing his mind, maybe – 

 

"Even?!"

 

It's Isak's voice. _Isak_. Of course. He's not alone in this. How did he drift away so much that he all but forgot about Isak?!

"Even!!"

Marti can feel an urgency surge inside himself – Isak's urgency – and before the realization has time to take hold of his mind, Marti blinks and Nico is gone.

"NO –" he hears Isak yell, and it hurts.

"Isak, where are you?" Marti stands up and looks around himself. Lucas and Eliott are fast asleep in each other's arms, Lucas' nose nuzzled in Eliott's hair as Eliott's head is resting against Lucas' chest. Marti can only feel a peacefulness from Lucas, so the dread he feels must be Isak's. Isak's, and his own.

"He was just here, Marti I swear, he was just here, I saw him and now he's gone, I –" Marti finds Isak's figure on the floor, slumped against the closed door. He's visibly shaking, his eyes wide in alarm, one of his hands is reaching out into empty space. Marti instinctively crouches down to him and places a hand to the back of Isak's neck, trying to make him focus, trying to guide his eyes to look at Marti. The way they are searching frantically for something that clearly isn't here anymore unsettles Marti to his core. "Isak, shhht, ecco, ecco.."

"Even was just here.." Isak mumbles, more to himself, still not properly seeing Martino, "..right here." Marti nods, believing him.

"Yes. He was, I know he was.."

Marti's heart breaks for his boy. He hasn't seen Isak this upset until now. It feels wrong. Marti just wants to make it right again. Maybe this would have been him, if he had had a bit more time to think about Nico's appearance earlier. Marti had already been suspicious by the time Isak's burst the illusion. This would have been him not long after, but as it is, Isak was faster to react, so he had to be the one to take the fall for them. The one to break the spell.

Marti is far too confused to even begin to think about what just happened to them. To both of them. To the four of them? No. It's impossible. 

_Do you really think anything is impossible? You are a ghost, following your parallel universe self as he's falling in love with your soulmate's parallel universe self, who happen to also be each other's soulmates –-_

Oh. 

 


	9. Wednesday, February 20th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even wishes they could stop time. Or turn it back. Or skip some of it. 
> 
> Or that, at least, this moment right here wouldn't feel so excruciatingly slow and drawn out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this is needless to say but i'm going to say it anyway
> 
> there's going to be some angst in this

**Wednesday, February 20th**

**10:40**

 

Even wishes they could stop time. Or turn it back. Or skip some of it.

Or that, at least, this moment right here wouldn't feel so excruciatingly slow and drawn out. It's like he can watch it happen in slow motion, maybe because he expects it, maybe because all of this is quite literally a déjà vu. Already seen. Already heard. And somehow, still, that doesn't make it hurt any less.

"But don't worry, I don't talk to her."

Even's stomach drops as Eliott's high turns one hundred and eighty degrees toward the ground. It had taken such effort and such courage for Eliott to tell Lucille, to let go of his somewhat stable life, leave his comfort zone, to collect himself and try and not be scared of his feelings for Lucas. To take a leap. To choose the unknown. And it was, of course, Even and Nico knew well how overwhelming it had felt to them. They've never felt this way before, weren't even sure that they were capable of, until now. It had taken such effort and courage to just come here today to find Lucas. Five seconds ago he was so happy to just _be with_ Lucas again. Was ready to take him by the hand and go anywhere. Of course Lucas has no way of knowing. 

"I'm not worried and why don't you talk to her?"

"Don't say it." Nico says, but they both know it's inevitable. Eliott will have to feel crushed and rejected. Even hates the way Eliott turns his disappointment toward himself, is already feeling angry at himself for believing that he could ever have a love like this in the first place. For ever daring to think that he could be – _what? Happy? With the boy he's falling in love with? What was I even thinking?_

"Because I don't need crazy people in my life."

Even sees Nico turn away from the scene out of the corner of his eye. Nico seems unable to look at what's happening anymore, as if he's expecting something more, as if what's about to happen next might end him if he doesn't detach. But Even can't focus on Nico right now, his attention drawn to Lucas, feeling weirdly captivated by the boy. By how open he appears. And Even doesn't have to look at Eliott's withdrawing face to know and feel what's going on inside of him, but looking at Lucas.. Even feels that it's important that he do so. He feels that he needs to use this opportunity, needs to open his eyes to the things they had been closed to before. 

There's a message here for him, Even can feel it. "I don't want to remember this." Nico says, almost in a whisper. "I don't–" "Nico, Nico look." Even interrupts him, pointing at the small piece of paper Lucas is holding in his hands.

"So, I'm a hedgehog, is that right?" Lucas voice is the softest. It's like it came right out of a time capsule from Saturday. But the damage is already done. Eliott can't look at Lucas anymore, his heart being torn apart. So Even does it for him. 

"Oh no, no no no. Vaffanculo. He brought the fucking drawing! Does he have to make this even harder–" Nico's voice sounds a little frantic. "He's been carrying it with him.." Even says, a little surprised. "Maybe he was hoping to see Eliott." Hoping for a meeting that wouldn't end the way this one is about to.

Eliott looks at the drawing, but he can't look at Lucas. There's a shadow of a smile on his lips but it's all he can manage. The disappointment in this universe and the hatred for his own foolishness are too palpable on the surface. He won't be able to say much more, or even stay here much longer at all, Even can tell. Eliott nods to the hallway behind Lucas. "You'll be late for class." Lucas shakes his head and his eyes turn soft, so soft.

"Nico! Nico look!" 

They watch as Lucas looks at Eliott's lips, the only thing he can see anymore, and draws in for a kiss, smiling in expectation. And this, where just a minute ago he was freaking out about being seen. Even feels for this boy, but his instincts scream protection for Eliott, who brings up a hand and ruffles Lucas' hair, pushing him back as he takes a step away from him. Nico and Even stand by and watch as Lucas' big blue eyes pass over into confusion. He looks heartbroken, eventually, Even thinks. Lucas won't be able to lie to himself. He can feel that something is off here.

Eliott withdraws. "Yeah. He's shutting down." Nico adds, as if to himself. Yes, Even thinks, but the suddenness, the immediacy with which Eliott reacts and detaches himself, with which Lucas' words register inside his mind, surprises him nevertheless. A voice in his head tells him that Eliott must have had a lot of practice. 

Even can almost hear him thinking. Yes, Eliott wants to say. Yes, your spirit animal is a hedgehog. Because you're kind and soft inside. Yes. Because it can hurt to get close to you. Because you push people away, even if you don't mean to. 

_And if you've pushed your own mother out of your life, it will be easy for you to leave me._

_So it's me who needs to leave first. Before both of us get hurt even more._

Eliott walks backward for a few steps. He's torn between already drowning in his own darkness and taking one last mental photograph of Lucas, to keep this image as a memory, to remember him open and warm, ready to kiss him right here.

And then, in the midst of all of this, there is this _feeling_. Even knows it well, has felt it himself. But it's Nico who gives it a voice. 

"Can you feel it, too? He's walking away and his heart is being ripped right out of his chest because it's staying here. It's staying right here even as he's walking away." Nico is shaking his head, his breathing having become shallow. Even senses that he's trying not to panic. "God, this hurts. I don't know if I can do this again. Even, I don't know how.."

As Eliott turns around and walks away fast, his throat feeling tight all of a sudden, his eyes burning, Even doesn't have much time to console Nico, doesn't have much time at all to reassure him. He thinks fast and does what his gut feeling tells him to, so he just brings up a hand and squeezes Nico's arm gently and tells him that it's going to be okay, that he promises him that, but that, right now, they really need to go. 

Even and Nico almost have to run after Eliott to keep up with him. Even wishes he could tell Eliott that it's going ot be fine, too. That he has to just get through the next minute.

_No, we're not going to cry here. We're not going to do this here, of all places. Just go home. Just make it home, it's going to be fine._

When they arrive at the bus station and Eliott sits down, he doesn't even check when the next bus is going to arrive. He tries to breathe but his chest feels too tight. Even checks up on Nico and sees that he, too, can't really breathe right. Every breath they take feels forced, every inhale and exhale feel like they have to put too much effort in, and if they stopped, if they just stopped trying, who knows what would happen. But they do not stop trying.

Even puts a hand on the back of Nico's neck, trying to ground him. "Focus on your breathing. Make the breaths full and slow. Can you do that for me?"

Nico nods. Even squeezes his neck a bit. But he can't do anything for his French boy. He just wants to reach out and squeeze him, too. He just wants to make him understand that he's not alone. But Eliott is closing off, Even can feel it. Eliott is pushing away thoughts and feelings and memories, but they keep coming through and it's a horrible struggle. He doesn't want to think about this bus station. He doesn't want to think about impossibly blue eyes looking at him. He doesn't want to think about any of it. So he tells himself that he's not.

And if he turns his head to the right to see an empty seat, he's not feeling the absence cutting through his heart like a knife. If he closes his eyes to hear the words ghosting through his mind, he doesn't feel their meaning breaking his heart in two. Breaking him.

_I don't talk to her. I don't need crazy people in my life._

The bus is coming. Eliott doesn't move. Even and Nico decide to sit down on the two empty seats. 

Nico takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, before he speaks. "He's trying to become numb." Even lets Nico's words stay in the air around them for a bit. Then he nods and adds: "He's trying to get through this, with whatever means he knows."

The bus stops. People step off it. The driver keeps the doors open for several long seconds, looking at Eliott.

_What if we had never met in that foyer? What if I hadn't taken that bus, or an earlier or a later one?_

The doors close. The bus drives off.

Eliott isn't hoping that Lucas comes running after him and takes it all back, he's not hoping that he explains how he didn't mean it, that he was just joking. Eliott isn't hoping that Lucas suddenly decides to ditch all classes and finds him here. No, that's not it, Even can tell.

And still, Eliott can't seem to move. They stay like this for long minutes, Even doesn't know exactly how many. But another bus passes them by before anyone speaks.

"You know.. when Marti said those things to me, I don't think I understood right away. I knew, of course. Somehow. And I was hurt, but I don't think I understood what I had to do until I was alone again. And I couldn't be any different with him, I would never have been able to walk away like this and leave Marti like that. I don't know. It was like my brain just couldn't process the information in that moment. Like I wouldn't have made it out alive if I had really felt everything then.." 

Even thinks about Nico's words, thinks about his own experience. And then he thinks of Isak. Thinks of how, for Isak, talking about his mom, his family, didn't come easy, and sometimes still does not. Thinks about how back then, Isak had actually opened up to him. Isak had trusted him. Isak had let him know that he had problems at home, in his own way he let him in on the fact that things were horribly wrong at home and that he _was_ hurting. Isak has tried to tell Even that he's not talking to his mom because it's overwhelming and scary and he doesn't know how to help. But he had been too tough about it, of course, and back then Even just had no way of knowing. Neither of them did.

"God, I hate how much this hurts." Nico says.

Even pauses, trying to wrap his mind around Eliott‘s feelings, still stirring within him, within all three of them. But not even Eliott has access to himself. There's a barrier, somehow, that wasn't there before.

Another bus is approaching the station.

Eliott jolts awake suddenly, as the bus stop, gets up and enters the vehicle. Nico and Even rush in after him. Even secretly wonders what would have happened if he had just stayed at the bus stop. Would the universe just have beamed him back to Eliott? But maybe he doesn‘t even have a real choice. Maybe his spirit feet would have moved on their own eventually. Maybe the universe just made sure he wouldn't even try. Even has so many questions about the technicalities of this universe, and so little possibilities to find out about any of them.

When Eliott sits down in the very back seat, Even and Nico sit down next to him. They watch as Eliott puts his hoodie up, folds his arms and leans against the window.

Then they see his eyes water up. There's a tear falling silently down his cheeks, but he doesn‘t move to wipe it away. Even‘s heart feels so, so heavy. The pain of this moment has been ripped right out from his own memories and tossed back into the pot. Wonderful. Great. And even if he didn‘t have his own experience to think back to and relate through, Eliott‘s feelings alone would have been enough, he thinks. Enough to open up this dark abyss underneath them and drown them in it. Eliott‘s thoughts are running through his head, and they sound like echoes of his own darkness.

_My mind is a cage I‘ll never get out of._

_It‘s not fair._

_He doesn‘t need me in his life. I‘m too messed up. I‘d fuck it up, and he would hate me. More than he will now._

_It‘s not fair._  

Even hears Nico‘s sudden inhale of air next to him. He slightly turns his head to look at Nico, just in time to see a tear roll down his cheek, too. "Nico, no, no–"

„I‘m fine.“ Nico tries a smile. „It‘s just _this_ ,“ Nico points to his own heart, „feeling, it‘s difficult not to remember.“ Even sighs, but understands, he understands so well. He lifts an arm and puts it around Nico‘s shoulders. Nico huffs with a smile but leans a little into Even anyway.

They ride the bus like that for a few minutes, Eliott completely silent next to them. They all look out the window, at passing images of the city. Eliott feels like an empty shell, empty of the energy and the spirit that makes him so very himself. Even thinks it's scary to see this from the outside. To be confronted with this side of himself when he's not inside the void himself.

It feels scary. He hopes that it's never this scary for Isak.

He wishes he could place an arm around this boy, too. He wishes he could comfort him. He would tell him that Lucas didn‘t mean it like that. He would tell him that Lucas was actually letting him in like he hasn't let in anyone else. He would promise him that he‘ll be loved, so loved in the very near future, that there really is no reason to be afraid. That he shouldn‘t withdraw, like Even knows he will.

Like Even knows he must.

They all get out at Eliott‘s bus stop and start to walk the short way to his apartment, when it begins to rain. Eliott stops as soon as he feels the first raindrops on his skin. He looks up at the sky.

„No, no.. please, come on Eliott. We can do this, it‘s not that far anymore.. Just two more blocks..“ Even tells him, but of course he doesn‘t hear any of this. Even still tries. For the life of him he'll try. He can't let Eliott break down out here. Damned be this rain.

Nico doesn't stop him when he places his hand on Eliott‘s shoulder carefully. He can feel him there, but not entirely, it‘s a very strange sensation.

They‘ll never know what exactly propelled Eliott to start running home in that moment, but Even is so proud that he did. They don‘t need to give themselves the dramatic and sad memory of crying out on the streets in the rain. They don‘t need that image today.

Eliott falling apart silently, once the door to his bedroom is closed, is imagery enough.

_Why do I have to fall in love with him, if I can't be with him?_

 

 

Later that night, Even and Nico watch as Eliott draws a wall and hides his raccoon behind it.

Nico says that Marti's spirit animal would be a deer. It's his eyes, he says. "The was he looks at you sometimes, you know. Your entire heart just melts." 

Even smiles and asks Nico what his spirit animal would be. Nico gives him a brilliant smile and starts talking about giraffes excitedly. Even laughs at first but soon learns that Nico's giraffe metaphors are beautiful and a treasure. 

From time to time they see more visions through Eliott‘s mind. Short images, fragments of ideas passing through like fleeting dreams. They probably don't catch all of them, but they know that Eliott is thinking about other versions of himself.

Lucas‘ idea of parallel universes hasn‘t let him go since Saturday. Even finds him him hoping that somewhere, a universe exists in which he wasn‘t so messed up and broken, in which Lucas and him were in love and together. And if a short image pops up in his head, of a hedgehog and a raccoon holding each other, Eliott pushes it away quickly and doesn‘t even think about drawing it.

Eliott has known a much deeper darkness than this, that is certain. They all have. They have all been versions of themselves that not one of them ever wants to be again. Eliott's mind had flirted with the decision between life and death too many times for him not to have taken anything away from that. Eliott has learned, in the meantime, that life is beautiful and that life is worth living, even when it hurts. That you have to keep trying to see that. Always. That there are ways to protect yourself from breaking apart.

So Eliott needs walls.

As Even had needed them. 

„Cazzo. This is the worst. Staying away from Marti for all these weeks, I felt like it was one of the hardest things I had ever done, lo giuro..“ Nico‘s voice is soft, mellow, almost doesn‘t match the words he speaks. Even is fascinated by Nico's voice anyway, loves to dissect and analyze its different pitches and tonalities when he feels bored and when Nico is ranting about something.

"I really felt like I was.. like I had to protect not only myself, but Marti, too. I didn‘t want to complicate his life. I didn‘t want to drag him down with me. I didn‘t want him to…“

As Nico stops, Even turns to look at him. Nico‘s lips are pressed together in a sharp but dimpled line. He is visibly trying to push down a thought. „…you didn‘t want him to hate you. Because you thought you would end up hurting him in some way or other. But Nico, you don‘t still think that, do you?“

Nico doesn‘t say anything for a long moment. „Vaffanculo, don’t you ever think about that anymore?“ Nico asks him eventually, and Even feels exposed. Even feels put on the spot, because yes. Yes he does. So Even can‘t blame Niccolò for not being entirely sure about this, because there‘s a part of Even that will always be scared of hurting Isak too much one day. But that part wasn't so loud anymore. That part left him in peace most of the time.

„I do, sometimes. But you can‘t live your life in constant fear of that. If anything, giving that fear too much space will destroy you before anything ever even happens. So don‘t think about the future too much, just—“

„—think about the next minute..“ Nico inserts, and Even smiles brightly. „Oh look at that. I guess this is what we would call universal wisdom, hey?“

They are both sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall of Eliott‘s bedroom, watching him smoke a joint at the open window. The expression in his eyes has become hazy. Like his feelings, Even thinks, which now feel wrapped inside some kind of cloud, hidden from himself. It feels like Eliott is drifting away from them. „I guess in the next minute, we‘re getting high.“ Nico comments, feeling resigned and sad. 

„I think in the next minute, we are trying not to _feel so jævla much_ anymore.“ Even supplies, feeling resigned and sad through Eliott. It‘s almost as if he's giving up on a world in which Lucas and him have it easy, in which it‘s easy to love and be loved in return. A world in which last Saturday was not just a dream. 

And then it's as if Even's thoughts of last saturday flow over to Eliott himself. It's either a coincidence or Even just somehow did this, but Eliott's memories are clearer again, pushing through the haze. Eliott is thinking of what it will mean. Letting go of Lucas. 

It‘s giving up big blue eyes staring into his soul. It‘s trying to forget what it felt like to breathe in Lucas‘ scent at the nape of his neck. It‘s forgetting his own fingers on Lucas‘ skin. Forgetting that they felt like they belonged there. Forgetting that Lucas smiles into kisses when he‘s happy, forgetting that kisses from Lucas‘ lips felt like healing patches placed onto his very soul. 

„That not feeling thing is really not working out for him..“ Nico says eventually, leaning his head back onto the wall with a sigh.

 


	10. Thursday, February 21st

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „I don‘t want to like.. Scream everywhere that we‘re together. Or walk around holding hands with him, or..“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I‘m sorry for being late, I‘m on a Roman holiday at the moment, but I‘ll catch up! Je promets! <3

 

**Thursday, February 21st**

**17:49**

 

„I don‘t want to like.. Scream everywhere that we‘re together. Or walk around holding hands with him, or..“

 

Isak felt something akin second hand shame for Lucas. But he couldn‘t hold any of this against him, not at this moment. Isak had been just the same, after all. He will always remember that conversation he had with Eskild. But Isak knows that he‘ll never go back to that, will never feel that same fear and will never think that he should deny Even, and most of all deny himself. 

Because Isak is going to damn well hold Even‘s hand if and whenever it pleases him and he‘ll do it proudly.

 

„It‘s cool Lucas, you do as you wish. I‘m happy for you anyway.“

„But I‘m not telling you I‘m gay or anything.“

„I understand.“

„What I mean is that it‘s cool to be proud to be gay, it‘s just that I‘m not like that.“

 

Isak sighs and goes to sit down on the couch next to Marti, who has been somewhat absent and unusually quiet today. Isak thinks it‘s funny how he has already spent so much time with Martino that he can now say what kind of behavior is „unusual“ for him. He nudges Marti‘s shoulder with his own. Marti turns his head toward him, lifts one corner of his lips up but doesn‘t manage a smile. It‘s just an acknowledgement of Isak approaching him, there is no trace of joy in Marti‘s face.

„What? You‘re not interested to watch our disaster boy here mismanage his coming out?“ Isak grins, trying to cheer Marti up. Marti shifts in his seat a litlte and huffs. „I think I‘m good, thanks.“ Isak observes his eyes, clearly clouded by something that is haunting him. Isak thinks he has a very good idea of what that could be.

„You‘re worried about him.“

„Mika‘s speech won‘t be worse than Fili‘s..“ Marti replies absentmindedly and shrugs.

„No, not Lucas. You‘re worried about Nico, aren‘t you?“ Marti then looks at him sharply. Isak can see his chest visibly move up and down with the heaviness he puts into every single breath, trying to keep calm. Isak raises his eyebrows. Why is Marti trying to hide this from him?

„Marti, honestly, I can literally feel what you‘re feeling so there‘s no real point in trying to hide things from me. Just tell me.“ Isak watches as Martino closes his eyes for two long seconds, exhaling slowly. “Cazzo, I‘m trying to spare you, don‘t you get it?“ He looks at Isak, who knows that his own expression must look pretty dumbstruck since Marti looks exasperated in turn. „I don‘t see why both of us should get dragged down, even more, so..“

 

„Faen, what are you talking about?“

 

But before Marti can reply, their attention is drawn toward Lucas‘ sudden change of emotion. They both turn to hear Mika, now also pretty exasperated, give Lucas some words that make him feel.. Scared. Ashamed. Confused. Lucas would like to crawl up and hide. Hedgehog, Isak thinks sadly.

 

„Because they don‘t have a choice, Christ. They‘re just trying to live their lives. Because they‘d rather die than be ashamed of who they are. And this, because of people like you, actually.“

 

„Sorry, I was just..“

 

„Don‘t say anything.“ Mika stands up and leaves. Lucas is left alone — again. Marti and Isak sit with him for a silent minute. Marti has leaned his head back again and closed his eyes, and Isak is trying to figure out where he fits in here, in between Marti‘s all-consuming worry dfor Nico and — a phone buzzes — Lucas‘ helplessness.

Lucas reads Eliott‘s text message and his heart sinks. He wasn‘t sure, about his feeling when Eliott walked away from him yesterday, wasn‘t sure whether he was just imagining it or whether Eliott really did withdraw from him. Well, here it is.

None of this is how it‘s supposed to be. And the worst part is that Lucas doesn‘t even know how it is supposed to be, he has no idea, has no reference, has no vision of his life even hypothetically working out, because why would anything good ever stay with him? He‘s angry and the couch has to stand for it.

Isak relates so much. But Martino, Isak can feel it clearly now, is distracted, wrapped in his own bubble of angst. „Marti I swear to God if you don‘t tell me what‘s going on with you right now I‘ll—“

„It‘s the message, isn‘t it. The one that says he needs more time.“

Isak is taken aback at first but then nods, unsure where Marti is going with this. “I‘m just..  I don‘t know. I can‘t stop thinking about the other day.“ “Saturday you mean?“

 

„Yes.“

 

„About Nico, you mean?“

 

„Yes.“

 

Ah. Now all of this brooding inside Marti makes all the sense in the world. Isak sighs, looks at Marti with all the understanding and sympathy he has and shrugs. „Marti I get it, I do.  I think about it all the time, too. But we said we wouldn‘t overanalyze and drive ourselves mad. We said we—“

„I know what we said.“ Marti interrupts him. „And I wasn‘t going to tell you, it‘s you who said I can‘t hide anything!“

He sounds exasperated, tired. Maybe a little annoyed.

„You‘re right. I‘m sorry. I just.. I don‘t know. I feel like we‘ll break our brains trying to figure this out, and we have nothing to go on but those three seconds that might have been a dream.“

„I know that. But what if? What if Nico is here, too?“ It visibly pains Marti to say it. „What if Even and Nico are with Eliott?“

„No, no we don‘t know that. It was probably just us, dreaming. Imagining.“

„Both of us, Isak? At the same time?“

„Y-Yes, you know we‘re connected.“ Isak doesn‘t know why he‘s arguing against it. He doesn‘t know why his brain won‘t let him think it. Objectively, it‘s just as valid an option as any other. A part of him can‘t stop thinking about it but it‘s too dangerous to let that part take over. Isak doesn‘t want to lose his mind. And if he, even for a second, accepts the idea that Even is going through all of this again right now just as he is, as the reality here, then.. Marti interrupts his beginning spiral of thoughts.

„God, you‘re stubborn. Okay, listen, you don‘t want to hear it, that‘s fine. But I‘ll say it anyway. If the same thing that is happening to us, is happening to Nico and Even, and for some reason some kind of barrier broke on Saturday—“ Isak winces but Marti ignores him „—we have to do something.“

„What can we do, Marti? We have zero fucking grip on this reality.“

„I know that. But we‘ve managed to get through to Lucas before. If we could just—“

„No, you know we can‘t. We can’t mess with his life like that.“ Secretly, Isak has already been going over this a million times. And it‘s always come back to the same conclusion, the same damn conclusion Martino and him had already come up with before. Lucas has to do this on his own. They can‘t risk it, for Lucas‘ sake. Everything will be alright in the end, if it all just happens the way it is supposed to..

„What about us, Isak? What about Nico? And what about Even? This isn‘t just messing with Lucas. And if this universe messes with Nico and hurts him in any way, I‘m— I don‘t know what I‘m going to do.“

Isak sighs, because there it is. Spoken out loud and sitting in the room with them now — the thought that haunts them.

 

 


	11. Friday, February 22nd (1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are dragged to Cloé’s party and both Isak and Marti are dreading this evening, knowing full well what awaits.

**Friday, February 22nd**

**19:21**

 

They are dragged to Cloé’s party and both Isak and Marti are dreading this evening, knowing full well what awaits.

 

And at first, nothing is different. As Lucas looks up and notices Eliott in the crowd at the far back of the house, smiling and talking to someone – just like Isak and Marti expect him to – Isak is reluctant to look up with him. He knows what Lucas will see, and his feelings will hit Isak soon enough, he thinks. As his eyes eventually do sweep over Eliott's blonde mess of hair in the back, they catch on something else. _Someone_ else. Another head of blonde hair, not messy or ruffled but soft and perfect, its ends curled as if they were sculpted. This boy is towering tall above most everyone around him.

There's no time to think. And it feels like his feelings are lagging behind, too. But they are all here. Lucas’ confusion, his anger and his gaping loss, they are all right here within Isak and they are so powerful that he can’t separate them from his own. Isak doesn‘t consider this, however, as he is swept up by the storm within Lucas and gives it room inside himself. Seeing Even and being exposed to Lucas‘ feelings at the same time brings him right back. He is blind to the world around him as he finds himself at Emma Larsen’s party all over again, seeing Even’s smiling figure in the crowd. The world vanishes. There is only one clear line of action and neither Lucas nor Isak have any intent to waste another second not following it.

As if he and Lucas were one person, they push forward and move past the people at the door, only seeing _him_. Lucas has to push through so many people and it seems like all of them have made it their mission to stand in his way. Lucas doesn't feel any of their shoulders bump against him as he pushes through, is numb with intent, Isak just a fraction of a second behind him now.

Once they pass through the narrow hallway they both stop. Isak stops because Lucas does. Lucas stops because Eliott is standing right there. Talking. Smiling. Lucas' mind is filled with voices telling him that something is just so off about this, so wrong, and then.. he sees her, right there, next to him. 

But Isak doesn’t have the patience to wait out Lucas’ shock, he has no intention on waiting at all. He wants to move but he finds himself tethered to Lucas' position. The universe won't let him fucking move and he‘s getting angry as he is forced to stand right next to Lucas and watch from afar.

The need to be _with_ Even is the only thing that structures this moment anymore at all, making itself felt from within Isak‘s chest and running through his entire body like an electric shock. He perceives no sounds, everything is drowned out by white noise.

Because Even is right there. He is so close and beautiful it hurts. Even, too, is talking to someone. He smiles and Isak wants to call his name, wants to reach out to him but his voice won't make a sound.

Lucas watches as Eliott and Lucille put on jackets, a cigarette waiting between Eliott's lips, and Isak watches as Even, still smiling, puts an arm around the shoulders of another guy. Even is here. With somebody else. Smiling.

Isak is blind with jealousy. He doesn't think, he doesn't reason with the image the world presents him. All he sees is the love of his life, whom he has been separated from for over a month, right there in front of him, and another guy touching him and seeing — making — him smile, when that is all Isak has wanted to do for weeks, and could not. 

Isak doesn't register much more than that because suddenly Cloé is standing in front of them, redirecting Lucas' focus onto her. Isak looses sight of Even. Has he broken the spell again? Did the universe realize that it was glitching? Was it taken away again, the momentary suspension of the boundary between them?

Isak hates it. Isak hates all of it and, God, is he _exhausted_. He wishes he could just break down right here and cry. But it‘s not over, in fact, nothing‘s even close to over he realizes, as he hears Cloé shout at Lucas.

"Wait, really? You have nothing to do here at my place!" Cloé's tone and pitch bring both Lucas and Isak back to the party. Suddenly, everything is really, really loud. 

"Look, I'm sorry about last time, we were stupid to leave like that but—" Lucas begins, but Cloé doesn‘t want to hear it. Of course not, Isak thinks.

"Oh no, I'm not pissed about last time! I just resent you for taking me for a fool. Because you used me! But you're gay!" Her voice trembles, her arms are flailing out toward the room behind her — a room crowded with people from their school. Isak winces. Lucas deserves better. Anyone deserves better than this. Everyone deserves to come out on their own terms. But this would always be part of their story, wouldn‘t it?

"What are you saying?" Lucas whispers, more out of reflex than anything else. It‘s like he‘s not catching up to what is happening right now, his mind still in a haze.

"You're gay, Lucas!" She yells into the room, her voice suddenly the loudest sound. Isak hears another echo in his head.

_It‘s 2016, Isak. Get out of the closet._

"What are you talking about?" Lucas says, again a pure reflex reaction. For better or for worse, his internalized fear is completely in control of him at this point. Isak can feel it, weighing heavily on Lucas‘ limbs like shackles, cold and unforgiving.

But Cloé doesn't say more. She has already said enough, Isak thinks, because people are looking.

Lucas is frozen in place. His mouth opens in shock, eyes unfocused. As soon as his brain catches up he starts to look around.

And then the realization falls like a bucket of cold water over his head.

People are turning their heads, clearly having heard and witnessed the scene. Some of them snicker. They whisper. Lucas doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to be here at all. Isak feels the heavy pull of gravity, as if the ground suddenly _wants_ them to break down, wants to make them fall. It’s inviting, and at the same time the earth is not kind enough to open a hole for them to jump into and disappear. Lucas wants to stop _being_ , and Isak feels it in his bones.

They want to forget. They don‘t want to know what they were doing here. They don‘t want to remember what they came here to do. They want to forget — and then they do. The only thing left is the need to disappear. _Leave. Go. Do it now._

Slower this time, Lucas heads toward the door. As soon as he turns around to leave, he feels a dozen pairs of eyes latch onto his back. Whether or not they really are looking doesn't matter. Their stabbing stares are real to him.

When Isak turns he finds Martino standing right in front of him. Marti looks straight at him, with an intensity Isak hasn‘t felt from him in a while. Seeing Marti brings him back to his reality, reminds him of where he is. When he is. Marti puts his hands together, as if he‘s about to say a prayer, and moves them in the rhythm of his words.

 

„Isak, ma che _cazzo_ fai?“

 

 

* * *

 

 

Marti doesn‘t understand what is happening with Isak. He has heard Cloé, but that doesn‘t explain why just a moment ago Marti was certain that Isak was about to bolt through that crowd and start a fight.

All Marti knows is that he has reasons to be alarmed when he senses that Lucas' and Isak's feelings are one enormous avalanche of negativity, and Marti can tell that it is coming toward him any second now, full frontal.

Marti puts his hands on his hips and looks at Isak with a scolding pout. He is just about to ask him what is going on when Isak shoots past him, leaving him nothing but a dramatic „I can‘t do this right now,“ before he runs after Lucas, who is already passing through the entrance. Martino has no choice but to follow.

And then someone holds Lucas back and Isak stops, with Martino bumping into his back right afterward. It's Basile who is holding Lucas‘ arm, but that was clearly the wrong thing to do because Lucas cannot handle it, doesn't have the nerve, the patience, doesn't have the energy to even _try_ with them right now.

"What's up, bro? What's going on?"

"Let me go, for fuck's sake!"

He tries to tug himself away from Basile, who keeps holding his arm, and then he feels Arthur grab a hold of him on the other side and that's it. Lucas doesn't want to be handled like a fucking animal. If he wants to leave he is damn well going to. Marti feels the rage blow up in Lucas. And then he feels the same in Isak. He‘s lost himself, Marti thinks. He brings up his hand to Isak‘s elbow and wraps his fingers around it tightly, trying to make him feel the pressure, trying to be an anchor for Isak, to keep him here before he drifts away completely. Just like he had been there for Marti in the tunnel.

Lucas finally frees himself but a second later he hears Arthur's comment and his emotions overflow entirely. "Let him be. He's probably got some family issue again. Doesn't matter."

Lucas doesn't think, is the thing. He just does it. He bolts forward. Marti digs his finger into Isak‘s arm.

"What are you saying about my family?" He pushes Arthur, who falls back way harder than he expects. Yann pushes him back in turn, trying to put some distance between his friends. "Wow, what are you doing man?"

And at some point it's not clear who is pushing and beating who. It's all a big mess and Marti can only understand Yann's "Stop it guys, stop!" as all else just fades into the background. „Sto cazzo di situazione di merda..“ Marti mumbles, remembering his own fight with Gio, Luchi and Elia.. and how he had just wanted to leave that damned club and disappear. He‘s trying to keep Isak steadied right now, for fuck’s sake. Marti doesn‘t have time or use for his own stupid flashbacks. Cazzo.

Basile pushes Lucas back, Yann holds Arthur. Lucas still gets hit on the head from somewhere. He loses balance. Yann pushes him out all the way. "Leave!"

Lucas looks back at his friends. He _wants_ to leave. He doesn't _want_ to be here. Why is he still even here? Yann doesn't need to tell him twice. „Let‘s go..“ Isak follows after Lucas and Marti tugs after him, still holding onto his elbow. Marti doesn‘t like the way Isak has gotten lost in Lucas‘ emotions, not one bit. And why now of all times?

Lucas makes his way out to the exit gate, slowly walking backward, still turned toward his friends. He's just about to turn toward the exit when he catches sight of Eliott in the backyard. Isak and Marti both feel the impact like a punch in the gut. When he follows Isak and Lucas' eyes to the other end of the backyard, Marti registers where Lucas’ pain is guiding his focus to.

Eliott is kissing Lucille. He's got her face cupped in his hands. The kiss ends and Eliott smiles. Lucas watches him. He smiles even wider as he's saying something to her. Then he kisses her again.

„He‘s still here!“ Isak whispers suddenly and takes a step forward, breaking Martino‘s grip on him.

Marti tries to connect the dots but his brain feels clouded and slow. He watches Eliott and Lucille for another second. And then his eyes are drawn like magnets to unmistakably familiar, dark curls appearing in his field of vision.

And then Marti doesn't see anything but Nico. He doesn't even register what Nico is doing. All things vanish and Marti's attention is only focused on the simple fact that _Nico is here._

His heart skips one, two, what feels like three beats. And where did all the air go? Won‘t his lungs breathe on their own? 

Nico is leaning on the doorframe. Marti wants to go to him. Wants to call out to him — _Ni_ — "Even!!"

Of course Isak is quicker to react, once again, and Marti just stands in shock and watches, feels alive like he hasn‘t felt in forever, and so does Isak, Marti can tell. But it is Lucas’ energy that ends up suffocating them both.

Lucas' eyes linger on Eliott. _He doesn’t care about me. I lost him. No. I never had him._

He can’t bear to look anymore. Before he turns to leave, he looks back at his friends one more time. They're still yelling, at or about him. It doesn’t matter. He doesn't hear them.

He begins to walk, fast and faster, as fast as his feet will obey him. But Lucas is headed in the opposite direction of Isak, who is taking steps toward Even. Marti stays put as his two alter egos move in opposite directions, straining their connection like a rope being pulled at two ends. The tension is palpable.

And then it hits them out of the blue. Everything happens so fast, too fast for Marti to do anything but let it pass over him. His head starts to hurt with a pain he’s never felt before and suddenly Isak, instead of going toward Even, is walking backward, now also holding both of his hands to his head. The headache is insane. Marti grabs him by the elbow again, tugging him in Lucas‘ direction. „Isak, move! We have to go before both our fucking skulls explode!“ He barely manages to get the words out, but Isak already gives in and lets himself be dragged away.

Marti wants to look back, wants to see Nico once more and if it’s the last thing he does. He looks at him in just the right moment, because he sees Nico randomly looking up and right in Marti‘s direction.

For a fragment of a second Nico turns away again. But as soon as he registers who he locked eyes with his entire expression becomes alert, his eyes sharpen and find Marti‘s again. The contact shoots into Martino‘s body like lightning. They keep their eyes locked on each other‘s and Marti wants Nico close so, so bad. Marti _wants_. Simple and pure and impossible.

 

But his head is about to shatter into a million pieces. They have to go. So before he can send Nico any kind of signal or do anything at all, he squeezes Isak's elbow to jolt them both back into action. Isak brings up a hand and grabs Marti’s arm, too, letting him know that he‘s here with him. With combined effort they force themselves to turn around. To turn away and leave.

  
They have to run to catch up to Lucas, who can‘t control his frustration and his anger any longer. Something propells him to do it. Something takes a hold of his body and makes him form a fist with his right hand and punch it into the fence on the side of the pavement. He punches once. Twice. Three times. Until the pain is strong enough to distract from the devastation and chaos within.

He turns around, wraps his left hand around the one that hurts and sags down onto the ground, leaning against the fence. It hurts. Everything hurts. His hand, his body, his heart. Martino can feel it breaking.

And then Lucas’ last bit of composure breaks as he stops holding back the tears. He sees blood on his hand when he looks down.

The darkness within him tells him that it's not bad. That it's good to feel and see physical pain, to mirror the pain that he can‘t see. Martino exhales. He hates the fact that this thought entered Lucas‘ mind. This is the worst of ways to deal with being hurt — and it only leads to more of the same.

  
Marti sees Isak move from the corner of his eye. Isak follows Lucas and sits down at his side. He is crying too, Marti realizes. This is too much. And everything that just happened.. how the fuck does the universe expect them to deal with all of this?

He can't do anything for Lucas. He can do something for Isak, he thinks, or he could, but what Isak needs right now is this. And maybe Marti needs it a little, too. He moves to sit down in front of Isak and decides to say out loud what both of them have silently concluded already.

 

„Nico and Even are here. They are with Eliott.“

 

Marti and Isak look at each other, both chasing images in their heads. “Did.. Did you see him? Did you see Even?“ Isak asks. Marti shakes his head. „I heard you call his name, so I guessed..“

Isak nods. And then he smiles, to Marti‘s surprise. 

„It‘s funny but, I think I saw Nico. And I might have totally flipped. I‘m sorry..“ he snickers about himself. „I think I just saw Even talking to some random guy and then there was Lucas‘ mess of angst and I just, I don‘t even know. But I guess that was Nico, now that I think about it..“ he shakes his head, almost in disbelief at his own actions.

„Oh, so that‘s what that was! Madonna, you scared me there for a second. I thought you got lost and—“

„I did.“ Isak interrupts him. „I did get lost. For some reason I didn‘t remember where I was, it was like I was reliving my own memory or something. I just entered Lucas and left myself.“ Isak’s words sink in and Marti frowns. He doesn‘t like that this is a possibility that can happen to them, he doesn‘t like it one bit. It‘s too destructive, too dangerous. 

„I think what hurt me the most was that Even was smiling. He looked.. happy, you know. Just like Eliott. Just like two years ago, too. He seemed fine while I was just.. unable to live without him. It took me a while to understand that Even needs me just the same, and I think.. for a second, tonight, it was like I jumped right back into that. I just can‘t help myself, not when Even is involved.“ 

„So did I get this right, you were about to go start a fight with my boyfriend because you were jealous?“ Marti smirks at Isak, who can‘t help but grin in return. He wipes away the wetness in his eyes before he rolls his eyes theatrically.

„Look who‘s talking, you didn‘t even see who your boyfriend was talking to. The tallest, hottest guy in the room and you didn‘t see him because you were so shook.“ Isak teases back. Marti shrugs. „I have no shame. And I did see the hottest guy in the room, he‘s all I saw, actually.“ As soon as Marti says it, he realizes that he has just repeated Eliott‘s words from Saturday.

They laugh and eventually settle into fond smiles. Lucas is quiet beside them, too, staring at nothing at all in front of him, emptiness in his eyes. Marti hears Isak exhale slowly.

„You know what this means, don‘t you? Even and Nico, being with Eliott.“

Marti lets the words fade out of the space between them before he replies. He just really wants to delay this reality as much as possible. But it‘s here, there‘s no way around it.

„They have to go through it all again, just like us. They have to feel it all again.“ He looks at Isak, whose eyes are shining with the announcement of new tears. Suddenly Marti remembers something.

„Nico saw me.“

Isak sniffs a little, brows furrowing. „W-What?“

„Right before we had to leave. He looked at me, I swear Isak, he saw me.“ Marti feels excited all of a sudden. Hopeful. „He knows. They know. About us.“ Marti‘s cheeks almost hurt with the force of his own smile. He can see it, he thinks, the way the realization enters, spreads and settles inside Isak‘s mind. Finally, his eyes light up.

 

Those are happy tears now, Marti knows, and feels them in his own eyes, too. „Marti if you‘re right..“

 

„I promise you, Nico saw me.“ Marti says the words slower this time, trying to emphasize each one and give them weight. Because there is no doubt in his mind about this. Isak and Marti look at each other for a long moment and then they both exhale. Marti suddenly feels exhaustion catch up with him. He hears refound confidence in Isak’s voice when he speaks.

 

„Well, this changes everything.“

 


	12. Friday, February 22nd (2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico watches as Marti turns around and leaves. He keeps his eyes glued to the last spot in his vision that held Marti‘s image, trying to stare it down and dare it to bring him back. 
> 
> He doesn't know how much time passes before he feels Even's cold hand on the nape of his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is a bit unusual, but due to popular demand I decided to take up the same scene from the last chapter a second time around, part two I guess. 
> 
> What? Did you think there are rules here? ;)
> 
> Also: I'm sorry for being so slow. Life is throwing obstacles my way at the moment but I hope you guys are still on board <3

 

**Friday, February 22nd**

**19:39**

 

Nico watches as Marti turns around and leaves. He keeps his eyes glued to the last spot in his vision that held Marti‘s image, trying to stare it down and dare it to bring him back.

He doesn't know how much time passes before he feels Even's cold hand on the nape of his neck. 

 

„Nico?“ Even squeezes him a little, trying to shake him out of it and succeeding. "Are you okay?" He turns and looks at Even. There‘s not a single recognizable thought in his head, not a single word that seems useful now. The only thing he remembers is - "I saw Marti." He sounds calmer than he expects himself to. Even still looks at him with concern. „What do you mean, you saw Marti?“

„That I saw him. He was right there, on the other end of the fucking place."

Nico lifts his arm to point to where Marti was standing just moments before, looking back there again. He pushes down the insecurity that tries to invade his brain. _What if you were just seeing things. What if that wasn't real. What if you're slipping._

 

„Are you sure?" Even asks. When Nico meets his eyes, intense and somehow, against all odds, so familiar, his doubts disappear. "Look, Even. You and I both know that even if I'm sure, it doesn't mean it was real. And I believe that I'm sure. I saw him, he looked at me. But he still left. Just turned and left." 

 

A frown appears on Even‘s face, his lips perk sideways in an odd way and Nico feels as if he can see the wheels turning in Even's brain. That‘s good, at least one of their brains is processing things, or seems to be. Nico's brain is going to be a broken record for the rest of the evening, replaying Marti's face in the distance, over and over and-- „Was Lucas with him?“ Even asks suddenly and excitedly, as if someone had just recharged his batteries.

„Che cazzo Even, non lo so? I didn‘t see anyone but Marti.“ He watches Even nod with understanding, no more explanation needed here. “I‘m just thinking. Last time we saw them, last Saturday, remember that?“ Nico shoots him an annoyed glance. "Are you dumb? Of course I remember. We talked about it for hours, too, don't _you_ remember?" Even sighs dramatically and raises his eyebrows at him. "You could have just said yes. Anyway. We both know what happened to us, the very next week - this week. Isak and Marti saw us, me with Sonja and you with, uh..“ „Maddalena“ „..right. So Lucas must have been here, too, he must have just seen Eliott kiss Lucille. Why did we not think about this earlier?“ Nico and Even stare at each other for long seconds. Nico nods and admits, „What you‘re saying actually makes sense.“

Nico looks at him, a silent _You don't have to act so surprised_ hanging in the air. "But Even, we couldn't have known. If Marti and Isak are really there with Lucas, if they're following him the same way in which we are following Eliott,.. We couldn't have known this just from last Saturday. But -" 

"Tonight has changed everything, Nico, don't you see? If you guys really saw each other, then.. there's hope. It might happen again. The next time Eliott and -" Nico interrupts him before Even can rile himself up too much. He doesn't want to see his hopes get too high. Even might have forgotten what it's like to fall, but Nico knows all too well. 

"Stop. Even, stop. Think about it. The next time Eliott and Lucas see each other is.. really far away. Weeks, in fact.." Nico watches as Even's entire face, his entire stature falls. Suddenly they both feel a weird tug in their bellies, as if they were being pulled toward the house by their spines. Nico looks around and then it's frighteningly clear to him why - they've lost Eliott. 

During their stupid discussions they never noticed that Eliott left. Lucille is still here, now talking to some other people, but Eliott is nowhere to be seen. Their physical discomfort is growing rapidly, and Nico thinks that his own would have been enough to make him feel sick, but feeling it all mirrored again through Even makes it twice as hard. 

„We have to move. We have to go inside.“ Even says, grabbing Nico‘s arm and pulling him through the open glass doors and into the house. They see Eliott at the other end of the living room, the ruffled mess of blonde hair makes him easier to spot. "Madonna, where is he going.." Nico is about to make a gesture with his arm when Even grabs him pulls Nico along, who all but stumbles through the room in tow. „Ma dai, is that really nece--“

With a quick haul Even manages to get them both into the bathroom at the last second, right before Eliott closes the door shut and locks it.

"--ssary.. oh." 

They just stand there stupidly, watching as Eliott grabs the sink with both his hands and look at himself in the mirror. 

He‘s withdrawing, Nico thinks. 

Eliott has been withdrawing for a while, in fact. Getting back with Lucille was nothing but an escape to the past, back to the comfort of something known, something familiar, something where - even if he‘s not happy and even if he feels suffocated - he knows he is at least accepted for who he is. He is at least in no danger of getting hurt. If you don't invest emotionally, it won't destroy you if it ends. It's safe like this, in a fucked up way. 

Nico and Even weren‘t at all surprised when he had called Lucille again, and they understood the way in which Eliott was trying to protect himself. It doesn‘t work like that, of course. It was never going to work. So when Eliott finds the present catching up with him, finds feelings all along the way that don't want to be pushed away, feelings that demand to be felt, demand to take up space inside of him, Eliott withdraws. Just like Even did, just like Nico did. They withdraw into drinking and smoking, but mostly they just want to detach.

To somehow disentangle their present state of mind from the baggage that's always there. From the pain and the memories and the longings. From the love and the rejection and the fear. 

 

And both Nico and Even know exactly how this game is played. And somehow, watching it from the sidelines rather than going through it, hurts in an entirely new way, Nico thinks. When you're going through it you are - at least for a little bit - numb to everything. 

But Nico and Even are not numb now. Quite the opposite.

 

* * *

 

 

And for a little moment it works, too. For a little moment Eliott can pretend. He can hold conversations and nod when appropriate, he can smile and he can make people smile, and that's all that matters. At least for a little while, Eliott is just like everybody else. He can put his arm around Lucille and he can be kind to her. Nothing needs to be unusual about this evening. And this is why he came here in the first place - to feel ordinary. To connect to people. To watch himself smile and talk and have a good time. To try to believe that the person he was embodying can be normal. That he's okay.

Sometimes surface appearances can be comforting. Sometimes living according to a given script can make you feel safe. That's all he wanted from tonight. To feel like he is able to fit in with the rest of the world from time to time. Like no one has to know how completely incapable of fitting in he really is. If he could just go through with it, somehow something could be fixed, somehow he wouldn‘t lose everything, he wouldn‘t find himself completely alone. Or that‘s what he had hoped.

 

And then he sees Lucas’ friends. His eyes, the traitors, search for a head of spiky hair immediately, but he doesn’t see it anywhere. His heart is pounding in his chest. He’s not sure what he would do if he saw Lucas right now.

 

But he can tell, even from afar, that something is off. The boys seem upset, one of them is trying to fix his apparently broken glasses. "Lucille, I'm just going to go to the restroom for a minute, I'll be right back." She nods absentmindedly, talking to an old friend. Eliott doesn't need to go to the bathroom, of course, he just needs to walk past Lucas' friends. He slows down when he’s close enough to hear what they are saying, and he feels stupid, utterly stupid and pathetic and ... pointless. Nothing they say has any relevance, they're talking about how many drinks they've had and how many they'll still have and which girls they should talk to and Eliott just wants to go up to them and ask. Of course he cannot. So instead he enters the house in order to actually find the bathroom.

The air feels weird inside the house. Stale and a little too hot, and somehow still it's like there's a small wind from outside following him into the bathroom.

The first thing he sees when he turns around is his own image in the mirror to his left. He doesn't want to look at himself. He doesn't want to break the illusion quite yet. He was doing so well until just a moment ago. He had almost believed himself.

He finds his own eyes in the mirror and stares them down. He wants to stare until he doesn‘t see them anymore. He doesn't want to see how tired this person looks, or how dark the circles under their eyes are, or how thin the composure is with which they are suppressing all the reasons why they can't possibly be fine, or normal, or okay. He wants to stare until his vision is empty and he doesn‘t have to recognize the person staring back at him. 

 

And for some reason he notices that he really, genuinely doesn‘t recognize himself anymore. Eliott blinks once, then repeatedly. He shakes his head, trying to get a clear view.

It doesn‘t help. He doesn‘t recognize the face in the mirror.

„Putain, I‘m more fucked than I thought.“ He steps closer and puts his hand to his own cheek. The image, however, does not move.

 

Suddenly the other's face comes alive. It blinks and tilts its head slightly to the right. But Eliott is not doing that.

Then the boy brings up a hand and points toward Eliott. „Can you see me?“

 

Eliott tries to reason with what is happening, but he draws a blank. And that can only mean one thing — he is losing his grip. He‘s actually going crazy. Reality is slipping away from him, has already drifted. Great timing, really. He sighs. 

„Eliott? Can you see me?“ the image asks again.

„Putain de merde, shut up! Stop talking! You're not real!“ Eliott goes to sit down on the lid of the closed toilet and puts his head in his hands, not wanting to deal with any of this.

 

_I don‘t need crazy people in my life._

 

„I guess I‘m not as lucky. I don‘t get to choose.“ Eliott mumbles to himself.

 

„Choose what?“ another, deeper voice asks. 

 

He looks up and finds two pairs of eyes looking back at him now. _Merde_. He is obviously getting exponentially madder, with every minute. His hallucination has doubled in less than a minute. This should be alarming.

Maybe he shouldn‘t have smoked that second joint. Or was it the third?

Or: Maybe he should do exactly that. Just roll up another one and make them disappear. He reaches into his pocket, finds his smoking papers and takes them out.

 

„You really shouldn‘t do that.“ The tall blonde vision says. „Yeah, I agree.“ The small, dark haired one with the deep voice adds. “Okay, and who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?“ Eliott retorts, puts back the pack of papers after having drawn one out, and takes out the baggie of weed from another pocket of his jacket.

„Funny you should ask,“ the tall blonde begins again, „but you‘re right, actually, we can‘t tell you what to do—“

„And we shouldn‘t!“ the short one inserts, shooting the tall one an insistent look „—yeah, right. We are, uhm.."

When none of them speak for a moment, Eliott looks up again. He just wants to check whether they're still here, he doesn't mean for it to signal them to speak more. "We are you. Basically.“

„You are me?“ Eliott raises an eyebrow at them and huffs, can't suppress a grin out of the sheer ridiculousness of this situation. Which is probably a good indicator that it's really all in his head. "Of course you are me."

The only strange thing about this episode, Eliott thinks, is that he is very aware of how fucking irrational it all is. Usually he doesn‘t notice the strangeness of his own worlds until he leaves them again. "Anything else?" He secretly loves how bored he sounds. For some reason he just wants to make them angry, because they are making _him_ angry. He doesn't want to be crazy, today of all days, when he planned a normal fucking night out to prove to himself that he _is_ fucking normal. They were just here to spite him. Eliott looks back down to where he‘s sorting out the weed buds.

 

„Right..“ the tall one says and then seems to be lost for words. As if he didn‘t expect Eliott to just agree with him. How is it even possible for his own hallucinations to be surprised at his own reactions to them? 

 

„My name is Niccolò, or Nico, and this is Even. We are, well. We are you, from other universes.“

 

 _Other universes._ Eliott wants to punish himself, that's the only explanation. Some part of him must have been extremely angry at him for trying to move on from Lucas and now he has to pay for it with visualized personifications of his subconscious. Eliott looks at Niccolò - what a weird name, too, where did that come from? - and tries to ignore the way his heart feels like it has just been stabbed by those words.

„You really shouldn‘t have said that.“

Eliott tries to count his own breaths, in and out, two, in and out, three. „But I guess it‘s me who‘s to blame. I don‘t know why I thought I could spend an evening without being reminded of him at every turn. I get it, okay. I got the message.“ He has managed to grind the weed, it‘s not perfect but it will do. He can feel his already very thin patience dissolve. He finds his tobacco and takes out one of his pre-rolled filters.

 

„I know you think that smoking this will make you feel better, but—“

 

„No, in fact, I don‘t think that.“ Eliott interrupts him, noticing how exasperated and annoyed he sounds, but not giving a fuck because it‘s himself he‘s talking to anyway. Eliott has always believed that there is no such thing as being ‚too harsh‘ with yourself. At least the dark part of him has always believed that, and there was no sight of any other parts tonight so that's what they're going with, it seems. „I know it‘s not going to make me feel better. But it will help me _not_ to feel.“ Eliott doesn‘t look at them anymore, he just wants to roll this stupid thing and get on with it.

 

He doesn‘t look at them, which is why he doesn‘t notice that Nico and Even are trying to speak, repeatedly, but that their voices just don‘t make a sound, their mouths opening and closing like fish out of water, swallowing silence.

So Even and Nico say nothing for a while, unsure about what they even _can_ say in the first place, powerless to stop Eliott from preparing that joint.

„I‘m not saying it will kill you, but we all know it will push you to the edge.“ Even eventually manages to articulate. Eliott‘s fingers momentarily stop their movements, yet he still doesn’t look up.

 

„Uh, Zi. I don‘t think we care.“ Niccolò helpfully adds. Eliott can‘t help but smile a little. "How fun to see that I can hold a conversation with myself without having to actually participate in it.." he adds, before he finishes rolling the joint. His words leave a very bitter note in the air. _Good_. 

Eliott takes the joint, brings it up in the air and shows it to these two strange creatures. „There, all done. Was a pleasure to talk with you boys, but I‘m really not feeling it today. So if you would excuse me..“ he stands up, goes to open the small window of the bathroom, leans against the wall next to it and lights the joint.

When he takes the first deep drag, he closes his eyes. _Other universes_. He can hear the muffled sound of other people's conversations in the backyard, coming in through the open window. And on the opposite side he can hear the beat of the electronic music, sounding a little dampened through the walls of the small room. _I admit, I don‘t really believe in all that._ Eliott doesn‘t open his eyes, not wanting to know whether his visions are still here or whether they have already disappeared. He doesn‘t hear them speak anymore, which probably means they‘re gone. _Well you‘re wrong._ Eliott hears someone knocking on the bathroom door. _You‘re wrong because there are many other Lucases and many other Eliotts, in other parallel universes, who are together now._

 

„Eliott?!“

 

When he opens his eyes he is alone in the room. Somehow he can still hear a knocking sound but at the same time he's sure it's coming from the past, as if it was an echo of the sound from before, just repeating itself in his mind. 

 

„Eliott, are you in there?“

 

It‘s Lucille. Eliott sighs, but he‘s too hazed to care. „Yeah, yeah I‘m here.“ He moves lazily to unlock and open the door. When she looks at him he can see Lucille‘s expression settle into one of annoyance as she smells the smoke. Somehow she is standing right in front of him and at the same time entering the room, still. Eliott can see her move, can see her movement like a series of photographs placed next to each other. He's lagging behind. Reality is too fast for him. „I can‘t believe you‘re smoking. And in the bathroom. Very classy, Eliott. Really." She folds her arms in front of her chest and gives him an accusing look, while another version of her is closing the bathroom door.  

Eliott shrugs, then he manages to somehow open the lid of the toilet and throw in the rest of the joint. It's scaring him at this point, anyway. If he'd finish it, he'd probably have to find a bed to pass out on soon. And he does not want to lie down in Cloé's bed, of all people. He doesn't know why he's here at all.

„Voilà, problem solved.“ He gives Lucille the widest smile he can manage. Somehow his face doesn't feel like it's following his orders. He's not sure what a smile feels like anymore. Lucille sighs and takes his hand. „Let‘s go home.“

 

They don’t say goodbye to anyone, Lucille just guides him out of the house. Eliott doesn’t care. And at the same time, Eliott cares too much. Because he realizes, as they are walking down the street next to each other in silence, that he's shot himself in the leg tonight. Instead of proving to himself - and to Lucille, too - that he was capable of making his own decisions and that he was able to handle himself, to decide for himself, he went and in fact, proved the exact opposite. She will have even less reasons to believe him when he tells her what he'll undoubtedly have to tell her again.

He'll never convince her that he knows what he's feeling, because he just convinced her that he doesn't know what he's doing. Why does he keep making the wrong decisions? 

In truth, Eliott doesn‘t even know why she still wants to be with him. He doesn‘t know why she hasn‘t left him long ago. He always thought he should be grateful for that. She has never left him. With Lucille, maybe even the opposite is true. Maybe someitmes she doesn‘t leave him enough.

And still. It is one of the nicer evenings that they have spent together in a long time. It was a perfectly fine evening, on the surface, until the very end. Eliott is sure that if someone had looked at them from the outside, they would have made the appearance of a perfectly normal couple, having a perfectly nice evening out together, seeming perfectly in love.

 

But when they lie down in his bed eventually, when he feels her hands slide around his middle and carress him, trying to make up for harshly spoken words by gentle touches, when he feels her fingers trail along his back and find their ways into his hair, familiar and estranged all at once, he realizes that he can’t be with her anymore. He realizes that being alone would hurt less than being hers. That being alone would hurt less than being someone else‘s who wasn‘t Lucas.

 

He might not be able to be with Lucas, and maybe they aren’t right for each other - in this universe, a small part of his brain adds unbiddenly - but he also can’t go back to how things were. Everything that matters has changed, his center has shifted. Lucas came into his life and claimed everything. And Eliott had let him. Would always let him.

 

Eliott just lies there, letting the thoughts pass through his still hazy mind, trying to suppress the growing discomfort of Lucille’s touch. And at one point he just doesn't know where in his mind to escape to anymore. He can‘t endure her closeness anymore, but he also absolutely cannot hold back the memories pushing themselves through, the memories of Lucas' touch, of Lucas' smell, of Lucas' skin. Not that long ago. 

 

He withdraws from her hands and turns away from her.

 

„I‘m sorry, I can‘t.“

Eliott closes his eyes, somehow hoping that she would just miraculously accept this and leave. He waits for her to ask why, to demand to know what was wrong or to tell him that it was okay while she came closer again.

Instead, he just hears her inhale slowy, as if preparing for something. A few more seconds pass before she is able to say it.

 

„It‘s him, isn‘t it?“

 

Her voice sounds unexpectedly timid, almost small. Eliott catches himself realizing that he's forgotten that she is even able to sound like this anymore. In the past few months her voice has only ever sounded condescending, disappointed or demanding to him. Or is that all just in his head, too? Is he just imagining all of it? Was he being an absolute ass toward her?

But he realizes that the truth won't be changed by any way he answers these questions.

„Yes.“

And this might be it, this might be the end of their relationship. He waits for her to speak again, doesn‘t move and almost doesn‘t breathe. „You‘re drunk and high, let‘s just sleep on it and talk tomorrow.“ Eliott thinks that her voice still sounds too insecure to belong to her. He shakes his head and tries to choose his words more carefully this time. He doesn‘t want to hurt her, but there might be no other way. Whatever scenario he tries to think through, they all end in the same way.

 

„Lucille, I can‘t go back. I‘m sorry.“ Eliott turns to look at her and finds her already teary eyed. "I tried."

For a second he wants to bring up his hand and wipe away her tears, but he doesn‘t want to send any mixed signals. 

 

A lonely tear streams down her cheek. Eliott watches it stop at her soft jawline. „You really think you‘re in love with him. But you‘re not. That‘s just what you think.“ Her voice breaks off at the end and becomes airy. But even whispered her words are sharp on the edges and they hurt him like vicious little paper cuts. They‘ve had similar discussions before, but he has never felt quite this invalidated before. Eliott takes a deep breath and keeps his eyes on hers, steady and unyielding. He tells himself that he has to really look at her when he says it, or else it won‘t have the weight it needs, or else she‘ll just be able to brush it off again.

 

But then he doesn‘t say it. He doesn‘t say _I am in love with him_ and he doesn‘t say anything else either because he realizes suddenly that it doesn‘t matter whether or not she believes him. He doesn’t need to prove the authenticity of his feelings for Lucas, not to her. The fact that she doesn't accept them is enough and Eliott realizes that their relationship has come to an end all on its own.

 

In the end she leaves quietly and with no resistance anymore. Eliott knows that this is the last time she will ever have been in bed next to him, and even though it feels cold now and lonely, he can breathe easy.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I appreciate constructive criticism. a lot. ;)


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